Love's Lost Children
by Scooter Kitty
Summary: Mini series based. Pres. Roslin is confronted with her mortality and makes some decisions. Continued in God is Love.
1. Chapter 1

6/11/04  
  
LOVE'S LOST CHILDREN  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"How are you holding up?"  
  
Laura Roslin, president of what was left of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol, turned to see Mother Naomi standing beside her bed in the Life Station. Laura smiled wearily at the younger woman.  
  
"Still alive," she said.  
  
"Well, that's a start, at least."  
  
Naomi Themis was one of the Galactica's three chaplains and, like her counterparts, she acted as counselor, as well as confessor, to the troubled crews of the battlestar. She was a petite, athletic woman in her mid- thirties, with short, dark hair and a very unpriest-like manner, which was perhaps why Laura liked her so much.  
  
"Dr. Soter says that the radiotherapy isn't having an effect on the cancer," Laura said. "He wants to discontinue it and up my dosage of chemotherapy. He also wants to put a central line in my chest. Evidently it can deliver more of the meds than the cannula can."  
  
She gestured to the short, fine tube which had been inserted into a vein in the back of her left hand and which was currently delivering her weekly dose of medication.  
  
"Well, if that's what you need...." Naomi started.  
  
"Yes, but if they increase the medication, it will increase the side- effects. I'm already having trouble... What difference does it make if I'm ill from the cancer or from the chemotherapy? The result is still the same; I can't do my job... Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth the effort. Maybe I should just not bother with the chemo at all. I mean, there's no point in the doctors wasting precious meds on a terminal patient."  
  
"Stop it, Laura! Stop that right now! You've hardly even begun on your chemotherapy and you're ready to quit already? I thought you were a fighter. I thought you wanted to live?"  
  
"I do, but sometimes it's so hard."  
  
Naomi pulled up a chair and sat down. Picking up Laura's free right hand, she cradled it in both of her own. "I know it's hard. It's hard for everybody. And I'll tell you right now, it's not going to get any easier. But you've got a lot to live for. You've got a lot of people counting on you. You're not going to just let them down, are you?"  
  
"Oh, she plays the guilt trip card. You are a priest, aren't you?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, that's my trump every time... Tell me something; who all knows that you're sick?"  
  
"Well, there's you and Billy, Dr. Salik, Dr. Soter, and Cassie. That's about it."  
  
"So, you haven't told the commander?"  
  
"No and I'm not planning on telling him until I absolutely have to."  
  
"Okay, I respect that, but I really think you need to broaden your support base. You need to tell someone else. I mean, Dr. Salik, Dr. Soter, and Cassie are all very busy. They're simply not going to have the time to be there for you in the way that you need. And frankly, neither am I. I promise that I will try to be there for you as much as I can, but there are only three chaplains for the entire crew of 6,000 and there are a lot of people needing spiritual guidance right now. And the commander has asked me to do a full psych evaluation on all of the pilots, so that's going to keep me pretty busy for the next few days."  
  
"Oh, that sounds like fun," Laura said dryly. "But why just the pilots?"  
  
"It's not going to be just the pilots. Daniel is going to be evaluating the bridge staff and Hector is going to be evaluating the deck crews. Those are the three areas of highest job-related stress. Add to that, the stress of the holocaust and you've got some very edgy crewmembers. And now that things have finally calmed down a bit and we've dealt with all the imminently at-risk people, we can move on to more preventive maintenance. And there's actually a Fleet regulation that says that if a pilot is involved in a potentially traumatic event, he has to undergo a full psych evaluation before he can be cleared for flight status. It doesn't get much more traumatic than seeing your home worlds wiped out."  
  
"No, I suppose it doesn't," Laura said sadly. "But the bottom line for me, is that I need to find someone else to whine to."  
  
"I'm sorry, Laura, I'll do my best... What about Billy? Do you talk to him?"  
  
"I'm always a little hesitant to burden Billy with all this. He's so young."  
  
"Yes, he's young, but he's very mature, and I'm sure he wouldn't think of it as a burden."  
  
"No, I suppose not, but he's got a girlfriend now. She works in the CIC... I just don't want to intrude on his life."  
  
Naomi sighed. "Laura, you need people you can talk to. I'm not always going to be around... There's got to be someone on this ship that you feel comfortable talking to... What about Capt. Adama? I've seen the two of talking together."  
  
"We talk about the fleet. He inspected the ships as well, so he understands a lot of the issues I'm dealing with. I like to get his opinions sometimes... But he's not that much older than Billy... No, I don't think so."  
  
"Okay, it was just a suggestion. I mean, I just thought that the two of you do seem to have some things in common and I don't think the captain has that many people to talk to either. Being the CAG, he can't really hang out with the other pilots and he hasn't exactly had a lot of time to get to know anyone else on the ship. So, I just thought the two of you could talk to each other..."  
  
"You're doing that guilt trip thing again."  
  
"Oh, sorry, occupational hazard... Anyway, like I said, it was just a suggestion. I mean, if you have better things to do than spend extra time with an attractive, young pilot. Then, by all means, carry on. That just leaves more for the rest of us."  
  
Laura gave the younger woman a scandalized look. "Listen to you! Is this any way for a priest to talk?"  
  
"Hey, my order did not require vows of chastity. We were even allowed to get married and even have children!" Naomi said.  
  
"And I suppose that was precisely why you chose that particular order?"  
  
"Oh, hell, yes! Does it not say in the Scriptures that we should love our fellow man? I, for one, am all for loving my fellow man."  
  
Laura laughed, for the moment, forgetting her pain and discomfort. "How did you ever make it through seminary?"  
  
"Like I said, it was a very liberal order."

--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
At around 1316 hours, Kara Thrace finally waltzed into Mother Naomi's office for her 1300 appointment. But since Kara had been seeing Naomi off and on for the entire year and a half that she had been on board the Galactica, the priest was accustomed to the pilot's sometimes loose interpretation of time tables. Kara plopped down on the long, leather couch that ran along one wall, with a sigh.  
  
"Okay, I'm here. Let's do this," she said.  
  
Naomi looked up from the paperwork she had been doing. Grabbing Kara's file from the desk, she stood and moved to sit in the padded rocking chair that sat across from the couch. The chair was not military issue. It was an antique that had once belonged to her grandmother. Naomi had always found the chair relaxing and conducive to deep thought, so she had always taken it with her, where ever she was stationed. As a chaplain, most commanders afforded her a little more leeway than they probably would have for any other officer.  
  
Opening the file, with which she was already quite familiar, Naomi began flipping through the pages. "I see that you got in another fight since we last spoke, and with Col. Tigh, no less," she said, looking up at the younger woman sternly. "Kara, I thought we had dealt with this. I thought we had an understanding that you were supposed to come and see me when ever you felt the need to hit someone."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know...," Kara said lamely, looking properly chastened.  
  
It was highly unlikely that she would ever forget that particular conversation. It had occurred during the very first session she had had with the priest and Kara would never forget her first meeting with Mother Naomi Themis. Commander Adama had ordered Kara to speak with the chaplain after she had gotten in a fight with another pilot.  
  
Kara had only been on board the Galactica for about three months. Zac had been dead for about nine months and she was just beginning to move on with her life. At one point, one of her fellow pilots, a young man who frequently flew as her wingman and whose call sign was Thor, had asked her out. She firmly, but politely, said no. A few weeks later, he asked her out a second time. This time, her negative response was not quite so polite. After the third time, she was downright rude. When he actually asked a fourth time, she decked him.  
  
Two days after being told that she had to have counseling, Kara received a note that she was to report to the Galactica's gym for her session. Confused, but curious, she had dutifully gone to the gym at the appointed hour. The room had been almost deserted, except for a short, but muscular, woman who was working out with the heavy body bag suspended from the ceiling. Kara remembered being impressed with the obvious force of the woman's punches.  
  
"Excuse me, are you Mother Naomi?" Kara asked.  
  
The woman stopped her workout and turned to the pilot. "That's right," she said. "And you must be Lt. Thrace."  
  
"Yeah. Listen, for the record, I'm not all that religious, so I'm really not into the whole confession thing, okay?"  
  
"That's fine, I'm not asking you to confess. I'm not just a priest, I'm also a certified psychologist. If it helps, you can drop the Mother title and just call me Naomi or, if you're a stickler for formalities, you can address me as Capt. Themis, that's my rank. Take your pick... Now, the reason I asked you to meet me here, is that it seems that you and I have something in common. It seems that we both like to hit things. So, I just thought maybe we should get together on this. The next time you feel like hitting something, or someone, you let me know and we can come down here and spar for a couple of rounds."  
  
Kara rolled her eyes. "I am not going to hit a priest," she said, starting to walk away.  
  
"Oh? What's the matter? Afraid that I might hit back?"  
  
"Excuse me?" Kara asked, stopping and turning back to face the smaller woman. "Why would that frighten me?"  
  
"Well, I've looked at your files, Lieutenant. You seem perfectly capable of throwing punches, but I've yet to see any evidence that you can actually take one."  
  
"I don't generally give my opponents the chance to throw any punches," Kara said smugly.  
  
"No, you don't, do you? Of course, that's probably because you seem to have a preference for hitting men."  
  
"Yeah, so? They all deserved it."  
  
"Oh? From my understanding, Thor's only crime was asking you out. That doesn't strike me as sufficient provocation for assaulting someone. Was I misinformed? Did he actually try something? Did he touch you at all?"  
  
"No, he just wouldn't take no for an answer."  
  
"Did you speak to Ripper about this? As CAG, it is part of his job to settle problems between pilots."  
  
"No, I didn't tell Rip. Why should I? I was perfectly capable of handling it myself."  
  
"Yes, so I've seen," Naomi said, folding her arms across her chest, her voice dripping with disdain. "You've shown yourself quite capable of hitting opponents you know perfectly well, aren't going to hit you back. You should be very proud."  
  
"No one was stopping them from hitting me back," Kara said defensively.  
  
"No? You and Thor were standing in the middle of the squadron ready room, which at the time, was full of pilots. Do you honestly think, any man would strike a woman, regardless of how much she might deserve it, in full view of all those people, and ever expect to live it down?"  
  
Kara was silent for a moment, suddenly uncomfortable. "I didn't really think about that," she said quietly.  
  
"No, obviously not, but I bet he did. You know, I bet he was also aware of the fact that he's probably twice your size and all he would have had to do was land just one punch and you would have been in Life Station. Now, you strike me as a bright girl. I'm betting that deep down, you knew all of this too.  
  
"The bottom line is: you used the fact that you were a woman to take a free shot at that man. And it's bullshit like that that makes all women look bad. I, for one, am personally offended. Now, I'm sorry, Princess, but just because you have a pair of tits, doesn't mean that you get to take a free pop at every man who pisses you off. If you want to live in a society where men are taught not to ever strike a woman, then you need to not take advantage of that policy.  
  
"Now, as I've already said, the next time you feel like hitting someone, you come to me and, make no mistake, Lieutenant, I will not hesitate to hit you back. Do we understand each other?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Good. We're done here. You're dismissed."  
  
No, Kara had not forgotten that meeting. No one had ever really talked to her that way before. Most people had simply told her that she needed to work on her anger management, which was, of course, so much easier said than done. And Kara Thrace had never been known for her patience. But Naomi had never told her not to hit, she had just said not to hit people. Kara had never taken her up on her offer to spar, she still couldn't quit get past the idea of hitting a priest, but she did follow the woman's lead and spent more time working out on the gym's body bag. She had continued to work with Naomi and she had been doing much better. It had been over a year since she had hit anyone... before the incident with Tigh. But that was different...  
  
"You know how I react to him," Kara said, somewhat defensively.  
  
"Yes, I know," Naomi said with a resigned sigh. "I know your history. He reminds you too much of your abusive, alcoholic father. Obviously we're going to have to work on this some more, because we're all stuck with each other now. You and Tigh are going to have to find some way to get along."  
  
-----Author' note: Okay, I know this scene really has nothing to do with the rest of the story, but this is something that's been really bothering me ever since I saw the mini-series and I just needed to get this off my chest. ...Sorry, if I pissed anybody off. I'll shut up now and let you get on with the story... Sorry-----

-----------------------------------------------------  
  
The creak of the rocking chair as it moved back and forth was the only sound in the small, cluttered room. Naomi sat silently, rocking gently and watching Capt. Adama, who sat on the couch opposite, silently watching her. After their initial introductions, she had asked him if there was anything he wanted to discuss with her. He had answered, no, not really. And so they had reached their current stalemate.  
  
Capt. Lee Adama was something of a puzzle to Naomi. As a very temporary transfer, he had arrived on board with no paperwork, no previous psych evaluations to help her solve the mystery he represented. But, while she had never actually met him before today, she was not wholly unfamiliar with him, as his name had come up frequently during her sessions with both Kara and the commander. She resisted the natural impulse to formulate an opinion of him based solely on the input of others, which was why she wanted him to speak first. She wanted him to lead the course of the discussion, so that she could judge him by his own words.  
  
Unfortunately those words were not forthcoming. He sat in silence. Oh well, Naomi thought contentedly, I'm a patient woman and it's his dime. Like it or not, he's stuck with me for the next hour. I've got nowhere else to be. If he wants us to just sit here and stare at each other, that's fine by me. It's not like he's unpleasant to look at.  
  
After several long minutes, Lee looked down at his watch and sighed heavily. He was beginning to fidget, tapping his fingers lightly on the cushion beside him. Lords, he hated these things. Before a flight cadet could become a Viper pilot they had to undergo a series of psych evaluations to determine if they had the proper temperament to fly the vastly expensive, state-of-the-art machines. Lee had hated every single one of them. Kara had assured him that Mother Naomi was different. She didn't act like a priest and she was very understanding as a counselor, but so far, she seemed to be playing the same mind games that every other psychologist he had dealt with had.  
  
Finally taking pity on the young man, Naomi broke the silence first. "You do realize, Captain, that until I approve your evaluation, you're grounded? Now, I've got nothing better to do for the next hour, but if you want to see the inside of a Viper any time soon, I suggest you start talking."  
  
He grimaced. "Okay, look, about these evaluations... You're going to be making a report to the commander, right?"  
  
Ah, I see the problem now, she thought. "Yes, I will be making a report to the commander, but that report will simply state who passed their evaluation and who did not," she said. "Nothing specific will be reported. I assure you, that just because the commander is your father does not mean that you have any less of a right to privacy than anyone else."  
  
"Okay," he said, nodding. "So, where do you want me to start? I know you don't have any of my records."  
  
Opening the disappointingly thin file that was lying in her lap, she glanced at the report from Life Station. "Well, since it seems that you were treated for exhaustion only a few months back, let's start there. How are you sleeping?"  
  
"Fine." He didn't meet her eyes as he said this. When she didn't speak for several minutes, he looked back at her. She was staring at him with impassive dark eyes. She wasn't buying the bullshit. He sighed. "Alright, I still have nightmares sometimes, but I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'm sure most people still do."  
  
"Perhaps, but we're not talking about them, are we? How often is 'sometimes'?"  
  
"I don't know, once or twice a week."  
  
"Tell me about them."  
  
"I keep hearing the voices of the people we left behind on the sub- lights. They're cursing me and begging, and there's nothing I can do to help them. And then I see the Cylon ships move in like birds of prey and pick them off one by one. I hear their screams as they die..."  
  
"Captain, if you had not left those people, you all would have died. You did w-."  
  
"I did what I had to do. Yeah, I know the words," he interrupted quickly, once again not meeting her eyes.  
  
"You know them, but do you hear them?"  
  
"What?" he asked, confused.  
  
"You stopped me before I could say the words. Therefore, you never actually heard them. When someone offers you words of comfort, at least do them the courtesy of listening."  
  
"Why? The words are empty. They don't mean anything," he said bitterly.  
  
"They're only empty when they fall on deaf ears. Look at me, please." When he had done as she had asked, she leaned forward, capturing his gaze and holding it. "You did what you had to do," she said very slowly and distinctly. "Now, you say it."  
  
"I did what I had to do," he repeated, but without much conviction.  
  
"Very good, we're going to repeat this exercise as often as we have to, until you actually start to believe it."  
  
Three days later, having completed her evaluations of all the pilots, Naomi stood in Commander Adama's office, ready to give her report. The commander sat at his desk, flipping through the pages she had given him.  
  
"I see that all of the pilots passed their evaluations," he said, eyes still skimming the pages. "That's good."  
  
"Yes, but there are a few that I want to continue counseling."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"There are a couple of former Pegasus pilots that I'd like to spend some more time with. And Lt. Dagon is showing some anger issues I'd like to work on. And, considering her altercation with Col. Tigh, I'd like to continue seeing Lt. Thrace."  
  
Adama shook his head slightly and gave an indulgent smile at that comment. "Is that it?" he asked.  
  
"No, I'd also like to continue to counsel Capt. Adama."  
  
The commander looked up sharply at this statement, gazing at the woman over the top of his spectacles.  
  
"There's nothing to be concerned about," Naomi said hastily. "I just think he needs to have someone to whom he can vent some of his emotions. I know that he and Starbuck are close, but as CAG there are certain things he's not going to be at liberty to discuss with her. Tell me, do the two of you talk much?"  
  
Adama shrugged uncomfortably. "Sometimes. We have our good days and our bad days."  
  
"Like most fathers and sons. Who usually initiates these talks?"  
  
"Me, I guess."  
  
"That's good, don't stop."  
  
"That's it? That's all the advice you can give me?"  
  
"Pretty much. I'm sorry, but when it comes to repairing relationships, there are very few easy fixes."  
  
"So, did the two of you talk about me at all?" he asked hesitantly.  
  
"No, not really, not this time. But, don't worry, I'm sure we'll get around to you eventually. But don't you dare think for a minute that I'm going to tell you what he says."  
  
"Oh, no, sir, I wouldn't dream of it!" Adama said quickly.  
  
"Good."

------------------------------------------------------  
  
Skeletal hands clawed at her limbs, tearing her clothes and pulling her down. She struggled frantically, but she was beginning to sink into the thick, warm, viscous liquid from which the hands emerged. Lower and lower she sank until the putrid liquid covered her mouth and threatened to fill her nostrils...  
  
Laura awoke with a gasp, sitting up in her bed, gulping in the blessedly clean air. She was trembling violently and her heart was racing. All around her was thick darkness and she felt it pressing in on her as if it too was actively seeking to drown her. She fumbled quickly for the bedside lamp and switched it on. The small illumination it offered didn't help much. The shadows that had been chased back by the weak light now seemed to crouch in the corners of the room like malevolent, feral animals waiting to attack.  
  
She needed to get out of this room, but she really didn't have anywhere else to go. Mother Naomi had been called away to deal with some crisis on one of the civilian ships and the last time Laura checked, the priest had still not returned. Billy's room was only a few meters away, but Laura was worried that if she knocked, she might not find him alone. She truly did not wish to intrude. He and Duella deserved whatever happiness they could find with each other.  
  
Laura supposed that this was exactly what Naomi had warned her about. The few people she trusted were out of reach and she had no one else to turn to. But, right now, she desperately needed company. She needed to hear another human's voice, to let her know that she wasn't completely alone in the universe.  
  
Throwing the covers back, she climbed out of bed and pulled on the sweat pants and bulky sweat shirt that Naomi had given her. Slipping her feet into the slightly too small slippers, she headed out to walk the halls of the ship. It was not a truly satisfying activity, but it was the best she could come up with at the moment. If she couldn't talk to someone, then she needed to be moving. Besides she was more far likely to encounter people in the corridors than sitting in her room. And perhaps simply seeing other people might make her feel less lonely.  
  
Unfortunately at this late hour, there was only the barest minimum of crew on duty and most of them were actually at their posts instead of out wandering the halls. So, she had very little to distract her mind from dwelling on the disturbing dream and the morbid feelings it invoked... She was dying. The cancer was slowly dragging her down as surely as the groping hands in her dream. The chemotherapy was not working. The doctors kept telling her that it was still early, but she was not holding out for any miracles. She had stopped believing in those a long time ago.  
  
So preoccupied were her thoughts that she did not hear the sounds of running footsteps approaching and as she rounded the next corner, unprepared, she was bowled over by the oncoming runner. She went down hard, landing on her backside in an untidy sprawl.  
  
"Oh, my Lords, Madam President, are you alright? I'm so sorry!"  
  
Laura looked up at the concerned face of Capt. Apollo. He was sweaty and still breathing hard from his run. He was crouching down beside her and quickly reached up to pull a pair of headphones out of his ears.  
  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been running with headphones on, but there's usually hardly anyone else in the halls at this hour. Are you hurt?" he demanded.  
  
"I'm fine, Captain," she assured him. "I think my pride is more wounded than my body. It's not your fault. I should have been paying more attention to my surroundings."  
  
"No, it's my fault entirely. I'm sorry."  
  
"Fine, we were both careless," she conceded, accepting the arm he offered to help her up. It was with some confusion that she found herself taking note of the warmth and strength of that arm and when it was withdrawn, she suddenly found herself floundering.  
  
Lee quickly reached out to steady her, this time grasping her waist. "You're not alright," he said. "Let me take you to the Life Station."  
  
"No!" she said quickly, not wishing to spend any more time there than she absolutely had to. "I'm fine, really, just a little winded is all... You can let go of me now."  
  
"Oh, sorry," he said a bit sheepishly as released her.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry I interrupted your run, Captain," she said, trying to regain her composure. "I'll let you get on with it."  
  
"Oh, well, it's probably about time that I started my cool down anyway. Mind if I walk with you?" he asked, switching off the small, mini- disc player clipped onto the waistband of his running shorts.  
  
"No, actually, I'd like that."  
  
She gestured for him to lead the way and they started off in the direction that he had previously been heading. He let her set their pace.  
  
"So, where is Lt. Thrace?" Laura asked. "Isn't she your usual running partner?"  
  
"She has an early shift, so she's sleeping... Well, she should be sleeping, but you never know with Kara."  
  
Laura smiled. "You two are very close, aren't you?"  
  
"We've known each other for a long time."  
  
"I know it's none of my business, but, well, I hear the rumors too... Is it true that the two of you are...?"  
  
"No. Kara was engaged to my younger brother."  
  
"Oh, I didn't realize you had any siblings. So, I take it that he died in the Cylon attacks?"  
  
"No, actually, he died two years before. It was a Viper training accident."  
  
"So, he was a Colonial pilot as well."  
  
"Well, he never actually made it that far."  
  
A reflective silence fell between them as each became lost in their private thoughts.  
  
"So, since we're being personal...," Lee began, bringing Laura back to the present. "Who did you lose in the attacks? Did you have a husband or any children?"  
  
"No, to both. Well, I had an ex-husband, but we had been divorced for a long time. We had gotten married right out of college, but when we learned that, due to an accident I'd had when I was younger, I couldn't have children... Well, he'd had his heart set on having a big family and I couldn't give him one... So, he found someone who could and I devoted myself to teaching other people's children..." Her voice was very quiet as she spoke and her eyes seemed to be looking inward, at images only she could see.  
  
"I'm sorry," Lee said softly. "You deserve better than that."  
  
"Do I?" she asked. She had stopped walking and was looking at him with a strange, almost calculating, expression, as if she was sizing him up.  
  
"Madam President, is there something you'd like to tell me?" he asked.  
  
"Please, call me Laura," she said and resumed walking.  
  
Catching up to her quickly, he decided not to point out that she had just completely ignored his question. He decided to change the subject instead.  
  
"So, what nocturnal demon is it that drives the president from her bed and induces her to wander the halls in middle of the night?"  
  
"A nightmare," she said, opting for the partial truth.  
  
"Yeah, me too," he said quietly.  
  
"Really... You face possible death every time you launch your Viper. What is it that could possibly give you nightmares?"  
  
Lee glanced over at the woman, wondering for a moment if she was mocking him in some way, but he saw only sincere curiosity.  
  
"Oh, a lot of things... Lately, I've been dreaming about all those people on the sub-lights that we left behind. I hear their voices cursing and damning me."  
  
"Why would they do that?"  
  
"Well, it was my fault that they were left behind."  
  
Laura stopped walking again, so abruptly this time, that Lee kept going for a few steps before he even realized that she was no longer at his side. He stopped and turned to face her, confused by her actions. He was surprised by the look of complete shock and dismay on her face.  
  
"Captain, it was my decision to leave those people behind. If anyone is to blame, it's me," she said earnestly.  
  
"If I hadn't pushed for it, would you have done it?"  
  
"No, probably not, and right now, we would both be dead because of it. As cruel as it sounds, it was the right thing to do. And I don't think any of us had the courage to make that suggestion, but you did. By pushing for it, you kept me from making a, second, very bad decision and you saved all of our lives. You have nothing to feel guilty for."  
  
She had moved closer to him as she had spoken and now she reached out and laid one hand along his jaw. At that moment she was struck by two completely irrelevant and inappropriate thoughts. Firstly, she was struck by how similar their heights were. Perhaps she had spent too much time in the company of her aide Billy, who was well over six foot, but for some reason she found the knowledge that Capt. Apollo was only a few inches taller than her, oddly endearing. It was nice not to have someone loom over her. And secondly, she suddenly noticed how the lighting on the ship brought out faint reddish highlights in his dark hair.  
  
She had no idea how long they had stood there staring at each other, but she abruptly became aware of how improper this would look if someone were to stumble upon them. She quickly let her hand drop and turned to continue down the hall.  
  
"We should keep moving," she said, as she did. "You don't want your muscles to cramp up."  
  
"Right," he said softly, trailing after her.  
  
As they continued on their walk, the silence that now fell between them had suddenly grown awkward. Lee wasn't quite sure what to make of it, or the strange exchange that had immediately preceded it. After several long, uncomfortable minutes, they found themselves standing in front of a hatch door bearing a plaque that read: Pilot General Quarters.  
  
"Well, this is my stop," he said.  
  
"So it is. Tell me something, do you sleep in the same barracks with the rest of the pilots?"  
  
"No, I have a private room. There are a few perks to being the CAG."  
  
"That's good to know."  
  
Is it? Lee thought, in mild surprise.  
  
She gave him a mysterious smile in response to his arched eyebrows and unasked question.  
  
"Sleep well, Apollo," she eventually said.  
  
"You too... Laura."  
  
To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

6/23/04  
  
LOVE'S LOST CHILDREN  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Once again, Laura sat in Life Station receiving her chemotherapy treatment. The frequency of the treatments had been increased to twice a week since she had refused to allow the doctors to put the central line in, insisting that she wasn't ready to take that step yet. The doctors hadn't pushed it. For now, she was holding her own. The cancer wasn't in remission, but it wasn't spreading either, at least not yet. Laura wanted to take advantage of these early, relatively good days for as long as she could. There was still a lot she wanted to get done before she was forced to bow to the inevitable and step down from her office.  
  
The door to the private room she was lying in, one of the few in Life Station, opened to admit Mother Naomi, looking serenely composed, as ever. Cassie, the medical technician who was monitoring the treatment, stood when the priest entered. The younger woman gave some vague excuse and discreetly left the two women to talk.  
  
"How is it that you always know when my treatments are?" Laura asked.  
  
"I make it a point to know. After all, part of a chaplain's duties is to make Life Station visits and you are my patient."  
  
"Oh, so I'm just another duty, am I?" Laura said in mock indignation. "And here I thought you just liked to chat with me."  
  
"Oh, but I do like our chats! That's why I'm always here so promptly."  
  
"Yes, promptly after they've put the needle in. I notice that you never seem to get here in time to see that."  
  
"My vows say that I have to offer comfort and guidance to those in need of them, but it doesn't say anything about watching anybody put needles into veins. That's where I draw the line. I do not like needles," the priest said emphatically. Seeing the other woman's smile, she added, "Well, you're certainly in better spirits today. Did you get a good night's sleep?"  
  
"Yes, I did, eventually. It didn't start off too well, at first. I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare... You know, the one I told you about, with the clawing hands?"  
  
"Mmmhmm," Naomi murmured, nodding.  
  
"I needed to get up and move around, so I went for a walk. While I was out walking the hallways, I encountered... some congenial company and we talked. When I returned to my room, I was able to sleep much better."  
  
"That's wonderful! So, considering the glow in your cheeks, may I be so bold as to ask whether this 'congenial company' was of the male persuasion?"  
  
"Yes, he was."  
  
"Ooh, do tell, do tell," Naomi said, pulling a stool up beside the bed and seating herself.  
  
"It was nothing like that. We just had a nice chat."  
  
"Chatting is good. I mean, you gotta start somewhere."  
  
"Yes, but start what? What right do I have to start something that I can't finish?"  
  
"You have as much right to a relationship as anyone else. Laura, you're not dead yet. And who knows what the future holds. The doctors may be able to beat this thing and you could have many, long years ahead of you. Or the Cylons could find us tomorrow and we could all be dead. At this point in time, none of us can make any guarantees about how long we'll be around. None of us knows how much time we have left. If you have a chance at some kind of happiness, I say, grab it, with both hands!"  
  
Laura was silent for a long time, digesting this. Eventually she asked, "Can I ask you a very personal question?"  
  
"Sure. I ask my patients personal questions all the time. Why shouldn't they be able to ask them too?"  
  
"Well, you said that your order didn't require chastity... So, when's the last time had sex?"  
  
"Oh wow, that's a tough one. It's been a while. I mean, I know I talk a good game, but that's all it is. I haven't had sex since... Wow, before I went to seminary. Why? How long has it been for you?"  
  
"A long time," Laura agreed, nodding. "Shortly after my husband and I got divorced, I was feeling very lonely and frustrated. I went to a bar, picked up some guy and took him back to my apartment. The next morning I found that this hadn't made me feel any less lonely. In fact, I felt worse. Waking up alone after having had sex will do that to you. Anyway, I decided not to do that again. And I didn't, because, as it turned out, I never had sex again... It's been a long time.  
  
"You know, after a while, you sort of forget about it and you don't care anymore. But then eventually, you realize that no one else cares either. It's like you start to radiate this vibe that says, 'I'm not interested' and men stop flirting with you and they stop looking. Now, most of the time this is just fine, but sometimes, it is nice to be reminded that you are still a sexual being.  
  
"And then, suddenly, out of the blue, along comes someone who sort of wakes you up. Makes you think to yourself, 'Oh yeah, that's what all that hoopla was about. I remember this. I remember what desire feels like and what it feels like to be desired. I could sure go for some of that right about now.' But, of course, now it's too late. You're old and you've been left behind."  
  
"Ah, so I take it that Mr. Congeniality is a younger man?"  
  
"Young enough to be my son," Laura admitted sadly.  
  
"Oh, that's my girl!" Naomi said, squeezing the other woman's arm and smiling broadly.  
  
"You are incorrigible!" Laura groaned, although she was smiling too.  
  
"What? What is the problem? Men have been getting away with crap like that for centuries. Why should they get to have all the fun? I mean, he is of legal age, isn't he?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Well, alright then! As long as everybody involved is a legally consenting adult, where is the problem? Why do people feel the need to put boundaries on love? 'I'm sorry, you can't love that person because they're too young, or too old, or the wrong sex...' What possible difference could it make? Especially to anyone not directly involved. It's none of their damn business."  
  
"Wow, that must have been one hell of a liberal order you belonged to," Laura said, laughing.  
  
"Oh, very!"  
  
As their laughter died away, Laura groaned and said, "I don't know if he's even interested in me. For all I know, I remind him of his mother."  
  
"Well, that could be, but I doubt it. You are a beautiful woman, Laura Roslin."  
  
"Oh, sure, for my age..."  
  
"What? Only young women are allowed to be beautiful now? What have they done to deserve such praise? Have they truly lived yet? No! That's why their faces are so smooth, they haven't lived long enough to form true expressions. And, frankly, the only wrinkles I see on your face, are those little ones at the corners of your eyes. They're called laugh lines. And what's wrong with them? Oh, my Lords, you've laughed a few times over the years! What could be more beautiful than a woman who has lived a life filled with laughter and wears the marks of that laughter etched indelibly upon her face?"  
  
"Thank you," Laura said softly, squeezing the younger woman's hand.  
  
"Any time, that's what I'm here for, to prop up your ego... Now, I don't know who this Mr. Congeniality is, but my advice to you, is talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you're dealing with. Let him decide for himself what he wants to do. Now, he may very well decide that he's not interested or that you've got too much emotional baggage that he doesn't want to deal with and he may very well choose to walk away... But, then again, he might not. And frankly, I think that's what scares you more. Not that he will walk away, but that he won't. Because then you'll have to deal with all those emotions that you've tried so very hard to forget."

------------------------------------------------  
  
It was several days later that Laura was down on the hangar deck waiting for her shuttle pilot to fly her over to The Amazon. She had arranged a meeting with Capt. Hippolyte, the captain of the freighter. Laura had been waiting for fifteen minutes for the pilot to show up and she was starting to get annoyed. She had about a half hour until her appointment and she didn't like to keep people waiting for her, it looked unprofessional.  
  
As she stood watching all the seemingly chaotic activity around her, she heard an announcement over the loudspeakers, saying something about incoming Vipers. A few minutes later, two enormous hydraulic platforms lowered from the ceiling, each bearing a Viper on it, one a Mk II, the other a Mk VII. Laura was actually quite proud of the fact that she could now distinguish between the two models. For a woman who previously would have been hard-pressed to correctly identify which was a Viper and which was a Raptor, this was quite a leap.  
  
"Madam President, was there something you needed?" a male voice interrupted her perusal of the hangar.  
  
Laura turned to her right to find a young petty officer in the white coveralls of a safety officer standing beside her. "Yes, my shuttle pilot," she said. "He was supposed to meet me here fifteen minutes ago."  
  
The young man consulted the clipboard in his hand. "Um, I don't see anything about a shuttle flight being scheduled..."  
  
"I scheduled the flight two days ago."  
  
"Okay, let me go talk to Chief Fisher, on the ground crew, and see if he knows anything about this."  
  
Laura sighed a bit impatiently as she watched him walk a short distance away. He returned a moment later with another, slightly older, young man dressed in orange coveralls.  
  
"No, sir, I'm sorry, but there's no shuttle flight scheduled for today," the Chief said.  
  
"Well, can you get one ready?"  
  
"Uh, no sir. You see, all of the shuttle pilots are off duty for the day or are off the ship at one of the civilian vessels. I'm terribly sorry about the mix up, but..."  
  
As the man continued to ramble through his apologies and explanations, Laura found her thoughts and eyes drifting as she noticed Capt. Apollo approaching from the direction of the just-landed Vipers. He was talking with a slightly younger woman with dark hair that Laura did not recognize. Completely tuning out the Chief, she could just catch what Apollo was saying.  
  
"Your landings are still a little shaky, but they're getting better," he said to the other pilot.  
  
"I know, sir. It's just that we had the auto landing systems on the Pegasus. I'm not used to these manual landings. I haven't done them since Viper Training. And it's so much harder than I remember it."  
  
"I know, don't worry, we'll work on it," he said and, as his eyes casually scanned the deck, he caught sight of Laura. "Anyway," he continued to the other pilot, "go and enjoy some downtime, Mouse, it was a good patrol."  
  
"Thank you, sir," the girl said as she continued on her way.  
  
Lee slowed his pace and headed over to the president.  
  
"Good evening, Madam President, is there a problem?" he asked, glancing at the two petty officers as well.  
  
"Apparently there's been a miscommunication about a shuttle flight that I thought I had scheduled for right now and I am expected to meet with Capt. Hippolyte on board The Amazon in..." She checked her watch. "Fifteen minutes."  
  
"Are there any shuttles available?" Lee asked, turning to Chief Fisher.  
  
"Yes sir, I can have a shuttle ready in a matter of minutes. The problem is that there aren't any available shuttle pilots."  
  
"Oh, well, I can fly her over there."  
  
"Um, with all due respect, sir," the safety officer spoke up, "but you just finished a six hour patrol and... well, how long has it been since you last flew a shuttle?"  
  
"I think I can still manage it," Lee said, a bit defensively. "And as for my having just flown a patrol, it's not like I'll be flying the entire time the president is meeting with The Amazon's captain."  
  
The two non-commission officers exchanged quick looks and Chief Fisher said, "Okay, I'll have a shuttle ready for you in a few minutes."  
  
"You don't have to do this, Captain," Laura said, after the two younger men had left. "I don't want to impose on you if you're too tired."  
  
"No, it's fine," he said quickly. "I wouldn't mind checking up on a few things on The Amazon anyway."  
  
"Thank you, Captain."  
  
"Any time."  
  
As he had pointed out to the safety officer, it only took Lee a few minutes to reacquaint himself with the shuttle's controls and then they were on their way. After boarding the shuttle, out of habit, Laura took a seat in the passenger area.  
  
"You're welcome to sit up here with me," Lee called to her from the control area.  
  
"Oh, I assumed that would be against some regulation," she said, moving to sit in the empty co-pilot's seat.  
  
"Actually, it probably is, but I won't tell, if you won't."  
  
She smiled at him. Turning back to examine the controls in front of her, she asked, "Why are there two sets of controls? Are we supposed to have a co-pilot? I don't remember a co-pilot on any of my other flights."  
  
"No, one person can fly this thing. But for certain maneuvers or for longer flights, it's nice to have company, or a navigator. And for longer flights, you can take turns flying with the other person and with two sets of controls, you don't have to keep switching seats."  
  
Margaret "Migs" Hippolyte was waiting for them on board The Amazon. She looked much the same as she had when Lee had previously visited the freighter. She was even wearing the same grease-stained coveralls. She shook hands with both of them as she greeted them.  
  
"Well, Apollo, it's nice to see you again," Migs said. "I didn't realize that you would be coming as well."  
  
"It's a long story," Laura said.  
  
"Aren't they all?"  
  
"Tell me," Lee spoke up, "how's Tara?"  
  
"She didn't make it. She died about a month ago. Just let herself waste away."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry... Uh, how's Krista?"  
  
"Now there's a happier ending. She's doing fine. She's fit in real well around here, gets along wonderfully with the other girls. Anyway, come with me. We can talk in my quarters."  
  
The three were about to leave the cargo area, when a small child with unevenly bobbed blonde hair came toddling up to Lee. The child was about two or three years old and was wearing a light green sleeper suit. She stopped a few feet from the young man and regarded him quite gravely with a pair of dark blue eyes. The captain returned her gaze with an equally serious one.  
  
The two women stopped and turned back to watch this exchange and Laura couldn't help but smile at the odd sight of the young man and the small child staring at each other so somberly. After a long moment, the child seemed to decide that Lee was safe and she stepped closer and extended her arms out to him in that universal child's sign language: pick me up. The young man seemed hesitant, glancing over at Migs, silently seeking permission.  
  
"Go on," the woman urged. "She's not going to leave you alone until you pick her up."  
  
With a smile, Lee obediently bent and pulled the girl into his arms. Wrapping her little legs tightly around his waist, she continued to look at him, unsmiling. Reaching out, she began lightly running her small hands over his cheeks and jaw.  
  
"Do I need a shave?" he asked her. When she made no response, he asked, "What's your name?"  
  
"Her name's Becca," Migs answered. "She doesn't talk."  
  
"No? Why not?"  
  
"Well, when I was down on Saggitarion, picking up the children, her mother came up to me and thrust her into my arms. She told me the child's name was Rebecca, but that she preferred to be called Becca, asked that I please save her, and then she disappeared back into the crowd. As young as the child is, I would have taken the mother as well, but she never gave me the chance to make the offer. After I took off from the planet, the child spent about an hour crying for her mother. But when her mother obviously never came back, she just sort of quieted down and hasn't spoken a word since. She hasn't smiled since then either. I don't even know what her last name is... You know, I don't think she's ever been around too many men before. I don't think she quite knows what to make of you, Apollo."  
  
Lee smiled as the child continued to touch his face in fascination. After a minute or two, he moved to set her back down, but she immediately clung to him and began making high pitched sounds of distress. He quickly pulled her close again and she fell silent once more.  
  
"I think you have a new friend, Captain," Laura said, smiling.  
  
"Come on," Migs said, starting out of the cargo bay, "just bring her along."  
  
Inside Migs' small living quarters, the two women sat themselves at the small table, while Lee wandered passed them to a cozy little sitting area, where there was a large, overstuffed armchair. Sitting down on it, he settled Becca more comfortably in his lap. She sat still facing him, her legs straddling his lap. Catching sight of the shiny clasp at the front of his flight suit, she immediately attacked it, trying to separate the sections with her small, chubby fingers. Lee leaned back in the chair, content to simply watch the child's attempts to undress him.  
  
"Would you like some tea?" Migs asked Laura.  
  
"That would be lovely, thank you."  
  
"Tea, Apollo?"  
  
"Oh, no, thank you. We're good," he said, indicating Becca as well, who was still working doggedly on the stubborn clasp.  
  
It took only a few minutes for the tea to be prepared in Migs' small, but powerful, micro-cooker. Setting the two steaming mugs on the table, the older woman settled herself in her chair and she and the president got down to business.  
  
"We're going to need to find new ships for many of your passengers," Laura began. "Your ship is well over its maximum passenger capacity and you, yourself, have indicated that your life support systems are being overtaxed."  
  
"Yeah, I know, but I've talked to the girls about it and none of them want to leave, none of them. Now, obviously the children, like Becca, can't really speak for themselves, but the older girls have gotten quite attached to them and I do not want to separate them. Becca's already been traumatized by being separated from her mother, what will it do to her if she's separated from all these girls who have become like sisters to her?"  
  
"I understand that, truly I do, but how much more strain can your ship take? It was never really designed to be a passenger vessel. Now, it is possible that we could move you and all your girls to a bigger ship. The Sylph, for example has hardly any passengers. We could move them here, or to other ships, and move all of you to The Sylph. She is designed to carry passengers. I think your girls would be more comfortable there."  
  
"Not bloody likely!" Migs snapped. "One of my girls was originally on that ship. She was attacked there. That's why she's here. Apollo brought her here." She gestured over to the young man in question, who seemed to have his attention focused on Becca and was apparently not listening to the conversation of the two women.  
  
"No, I won't ask Krista to go back there," Migs continued. "Nor will I ask any of the other girls to go there. Frankly, from what Krista's told all of us about that ship, I think it's cursed. If it were up to me, I'd get all the passengers off it, strip it of anything useful and leave it behind."  
  
"We can't do that. We need all the ships we can get. We can't afford to just leave one behind. I'll think about it some more. Maybe there's another ship we could switch you with."  
  
"Look, Madam President, not to be a complete pain in your ass, but this is my ship. I worked my entire life to save up the money to buy her and now she's all I have left. I do not want to just give her up to another captain. She's mine."  
  
Laura sighed and sipped at her tea. She didn't know what to do about this situation. She understood how Migs felt. The ship was the last connection she had to her former life. She also understood how all the girls felt. Migs was a good woman. She had risked her life to save all of theirs. It was only natural that they should feel so fiercely loyal to her. But the bottom line was that the ship would not hold up under the strain. Something had to be done.  
  
After a long silence, she said, "Well, perhaps there's some way that the ship could be modified... to, I don't know, boost the life support systems. Would that be acceptable?"  
  
"If it would allow all of us to stay here, I'd agree to just about anything."  
  
"We can ask Capt. Apollo to speak to someone in the Galactica's engineering division," Laura said, starting to turn in her chair to look at Lee. The sight she encountered made her breath catch in her throat.  
  
Both Lee and Becca had fallen asleep in the chair. The child lay sprawled across the young man's stomach and chest, her small body rising and falling slightly with his deep breathing. Her face was turned to the side and one thumb was in her mouth. Lee's head was propped against the high side of the chair, his chin resting lightly on the top of the child's head, one arm wrapped protectively around her body.  
  
"Lords, is there anything more beautiful than a man who has a natural way with children?" Migs asked, coming to stand beside Laura's chair.  
  
The president said nothing, not yet trusting herself to speak. Realizing, with more than a little regret, that she was going to have to disturb this touching tableau, she started to get to her feet. As she did, she was hit by one of her annoyingly, more frequent, dizzy spells and was forced to grab onto the table to keep from falling. Standing right beside her, Migs could not have failed to notice this.  
  
"Sit," the older woman ordered gently.  
  
As Laura obeyed, Migs moved back to her own chair, across the table from the president. The gray-haired captain simply sat staring intently at the younger woman, her expression unreadable. Laura quickly grew uncomfortable under that scrutiny and sought for a plausible explanation for her momentary weakness. Eventually, she settled for the one she used the most.  
  
"I'm afraid, I skipped dinner today," she said, with a forced smile. "I just couldn't face one more plate of reconstituted protein hash. Obviously that was a bad idea."  
  
"No, you didn't," Migs said matter-of-factly. Then, after a long pause, she asked, very softly, "Is it cancer?"  
  
"How did you know?" Laura asked, numbly.  
  
"Been there, done that. I recognized the signs. I had liver cancer about fifteen years back."  
  
"Liver cancer? That has a very low survival rate. How did you beat it?"  
  
"To tell the truth, I don't really know. I had a friend who was part of this weird religious sect. They went around worshipping trees and shit. Anyway, as a result, she had fairly extensive knowledge of plant life and she made me this 'tonic' that she said would 'destroy the toxins and flush them out of my system'. Now I'm not a particularly religious woman, but I thought, 'what the hell,' anything's got to be better than that damn chemotherapy, which seemed to be killing me faster than the cancer. So, I told my doctors to get bent and I started taking my friend's tonic. Well, after a while, the cancer was gone. I don't claim to know how it worked or if it really even did. Frankly, I don't care. I'm cancer free and have been for fifteen years. That's good enough for me... I still have a bottle of it, if you want it."  
  
"Are you sure you want to give it up?"  
  
"I don't need it anymore, but maybe it can help you."  
  
"Sure, what the hell."  
  
"Exactly," Migs said approvingly.  
  
Standing, she went to one of the cupboards that lined the walls on both sides of the table. After several minutes of searching, she returned to the table with a sizable bottle containing about a liter of a clear, colorless liquid. She handed the bottle to Laura, who removed the cork- lined stopper and took an experimental sniff. She quickly recoiled from the distinctive odor.  
  
"Uh, yeah," Migs said sheepishly, "one of the main ingredients is pure grain alcohol."  
  
"Mmmhmm," Laura murmured, her eyes watering slightly.  
  
"You don't want to be taking any of that just before you operate any heavy machinery."  
  
"I'll keep that in mind."  
  
"You just take a healthy snort, once in the morning and once at night, just before you go to bed. I find that it actually helps you sleep better."  
  
"Oh, I'll bet it does."  
  
The two women chuckled for a few minutes and Laura added, "Thank you."  
  
"Tell you what, you can repay my by finding a way to keep me, my girls and my ship all together."  
  
"I'll do my best. And now, I think I've taken up enough of your time. I think we should go and wake up our sleeping beauties."  
  
Neither being sure how violently the young man might react to being woken, the two women decided that the most prudent course of action, would be to remove Becca from possible harm's way, before attempting to awaken Lee. But as Migs tried to gently move his arm from around the child, Lee instantly came awake, reflexively pulling the girl in tighter. Blinking up at the two women, he quickly remembered where he was and realized what they were doing. He relaxed his grip on the still-sleeping child and allowed Migs to lift her off his lap.  
  
Rubbing his hands over his face for a moment to clear his head, Lee said, "Oh Lords, I'm sorry. I'm really embarrassed."  
  
"Don't be, Captain," Laura said. "You're exhausted. I shouldn't have asked you to fly me over here."  
  
"You didn't, remember? I volunteered."  
  
"Are you going to be alright to fly us back to the Galactica?"  
  
"Yeah, just give me a second to finish waking up," he said, running a hand through his close-cropped hair.  
  
After a few minutes, the three adults, with Migs carrying Becca, started back toward the cargo bay where the shuttle was waiting. As they were passing through the halls, they ran into Krista, who was approaching with another girl. Krista broke into a huge grin as she spotted Lee.  
  
"Capt. Adama, it's good to see you again!" she said.  
  
"Yes, it's good to see you, too. You're looking much better."  
  
"I'm doing much better. I can't thank you enough for getting me off The Sylph."  
  
"Well, I'm just glad that I was there to help."  
  
"Krista, could you take Becca and put her to bed? She should have been there hours ago," Migs said.  
  
"Oh, sure," the young woman said, taking the sleeping child. With a last smile at Lee, Krista and her companion continued on their way.  
  
Arriving at the cargo bay, Lee and Laura turned to take their leave of Migs. As they did, Lee spied the bottle in the president's hand.  
  
"What's that?" he asked, gesturing to it.  
  
"Oh, uh, it's..."  
  
"It's an old herbal sleep aid," Migs said dryly. "While you were napping, Pres. Roslin and I discussed her insomnia."  
  
"Oh, okay, sorry..." he mumbled, beginning to blush slightly.  
  
Smiling, Migs gave his shoulder a pat. "Relax, Son, I'm just giving you a hard time." Turning back to Laura, she said, "Now, you'll look into our situation, won't you?"  
  
"Yes, I will," the younger woman promised.  
  
"Situation?" Lee asked, confused.  
  
"You were sleeping," Laura said. "Don't worry, I'll fill you in on the way back to the Galactica."  
  
"Right."  
  
"You take care of yourself," Migs said to the smaller woman, abruptly pulling her into a fierce hug.  
  
Laura said nothing, too surprised by this unexpected show of affection to speak.  
  
Migs then turned to Lee with a suddenly stern look on her face. "Now, you take good care of her, you hear me?" she said. "You fly carefully. The well being of the human race is in this woman's hands. You treat her like gold."  
  
"Yes sir!" Lee said earnestly, slightly taken aback.  
  
Turning back to Laura, the older woman said, "I like this boy, he follows orders well. You should keep him around."  
  
Laura said nothing, but felt her face flush slightly. As she and Lee turned to board their shuttle, Lee stopped when he felt a tug on the leg of his flight suit. Looking down, he saw that Becca had found him again. He crouched down beside the child.  
  
"I thought you were in bed," he commented. "What can I do for you?"  
  
From behind her back, the girl produced a small, well-loved stuffed animal, which she thrust into his hand. Examining it closer, he found that it was a unicorn. It's once white fur was now a matted, pale gray with several small bald patches. The stuffing in the chubby legs was now lumped together and they flopped loosely from the point where they joined to the body. It was missing one glossy, black eye, but the distinctive single horn still stood proudly, if slightly bent, from the beast's forehead and was made from a shiny, slightly opalescent material.  
  
"Wow," Lee said, in an appropriately impressed voice, "this is very nice."  
  
He pretended to admire it for a few more seconds then offered it back to her. Becca shook her head and pushed it firmly back towards him. It was obvious that the child was not just showing it to him. She was giving it to him.  
  
"Uh, okay... Thank you, Becca. Thank you, very much," he said sincerely.  
  
The child gave him a very solemn nod, then turned and ran from the cargo bay as quickly as her chubby, little legs would carry her. Standing, he turned back to the two women, who were both watching him and looking slightly misty-eyed. He stepped closer to them, holding the toy out to Migs.  
  
"I think she'll change her mind and want this back soon," he said.  
  
"Oh, no, Apollo, she obviously wanted you to have that."  
  
"Right," he said, slightly embarrassed.  
  
The short flight back to the Galactica was uneventful. Leaving the hangar deck, they paused for a moment in the corridor, as they would be heading in opposite directions to return to their respective quarters.  
  
"Well, thank you again for flying me to The Amazon," Laura said, breaking the awkward silence.  
  
"Sure, no problem. Anytime you're short a shuttle pilot, just let me know."  
  
"I'll do that. Good night, Apollo."  
  
"Good night, Laura."  
  
To be continued...  
  
---Author's note: Wow, I'm not sure where that came from. For me, that was awfully fluffy. Especially when you consider that I don't even like kids. Anyway, I apologize if anybody's teeth were hurting from the sugary sweetness. Also, to anyone who hasn't read it, the introduction of Migs and The Amazon are in my story "All the Pretty Little Horses."


	3. Chapter 3

6/26/04  
  
LOVE'S LOST CHILDREN  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Over the next few evenings, Laura found herself spending more and more time wandering the halls of the Galactica. She told herself that she did it to escape the confines of her empty room. Or because she found the movement conducive to thought and she was still puzzling over the dilemma of what to do about the overcrowded Amazon. But, despite the validity of these justifications, the whole truth included the fact that she still felt her heart rate quicken every time she heard the sound of running footsteps approaching her. Unfortunately, it seemed that Capt. Apollo was not the only person who used the Galactica's hallways as an indoor track. She had been nearly run down at least four times this week, but so far, had not encountered the younger Adama. In fact, she hadn't seen him at all since their visit to The Amazon.  
  
As she had promised she would, she had spoken to the Galactica's chief engineer, a tall, coldly efficient man in his early forties, who had made it very clear to Laura, that he had more important concerns than trying to accommodate a bunch of difficult adolescent girls. And she supposed that the man had a point, keeping the battlestar's engines and two reactor cores running smoothly was more important than the situation on The Amazon, but that didn't change the fact that she had made a promise and she intended to keep it.  
  
She had not been taking any of Migs' mysterious tonic. The bottle sat untouched on her bedside table. She always lost her nerve when it came time for her now-daily chemo treatments and dutifully went to the Life Station. But she had asked Dr. Soter what he knew about alternative cancer treatments. The young man had paused in administering his tests and pulled up a stool beside her bed.  
  
"Look Laura, I won't lie to you, there have been reported success stories of people beating cancer through various alternative methods, stuff like herbal remedies, prayer therapy, faith healing. But none of these methods have any kind of consistent success rate. The bottom line is that the human body has enormous, untapped potential for healing itself. Unfortunately we don't know how it works and therefore, don't know how to tap into this potential. There's still so much about the human body, particularly the brain, that we still don't understand. For whatever reason, some people seem to be able to tap into this healing potential, but we don't know how or why. Personally, I wouldn't want to bank my life on something that vague and unproven, but then I'm a doctor.  
  
"Now, if we were back on the Colonies, in a proper oncology center, there would be more options open to us, but obviously we're not. We have to make do with the limited resources and equipment available on the Galactica, and your best bet is to continue with the chemo. I still really wish you would let us put a central line in. It would deliver more meds, at a quicker rate..."  
  
"I'll think about it," Laura said.  
  
Dr. Soter nodded and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before he returned to his tests. A few minutes after this conversation, Naomi had entered the room, which now seemed to be held in permanent reserve for the president's use. Taking the stool that Dr. Soter had vacated, Naomi picked up Laura's hand, smiling comfortingly.  
  
"Tell me what you know about faith healing," Laura asked before the other woman could even give her greeting.  
  
"Okay," Naomi said, slightly taken aback by the abrupt request. "Well, I'm not really sure what it is that you want to know, so I can only tell you about my experience with it. When I was in college, getting my psychology degree, one of my best friends was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. By the time the doctors discovered it, it was already fairly advanced. They told her that she was going to need a complete hysterectomy. She was 23. Well, she wasn't ready to give up on the idea of having children yet. She found out about a revival meeting in town, with a faith healer. She and I had know each other most of our lives. Our families had gone to the same church, so she asked me to go with her...  
  
"I saw something that day, Laura, that I've never been able to explain. I saw that healer place his hand on my friend's abdomen and I saw a brilliant, white light surround the two of them. I talked to the other people who were standing beside me and they said that they hadn't seen anything. And I believe them, but I know what I saw. I saw the hands of our Lords... When my friend went back to her doctors, they found that her cancer was completely gone, not in remission, gone... I can't explain it, maybe I had a hallucination, maybe I saw what I wanted to see and my friend just got very, very lucky, but I don't think so. I can tell you that that was the day I decided to become a priest."  
  
"Could you duplicate it? Could you heal me?"  
  
Naomi leaned forward and gently touched Laura's face. "I'm sorry, Laura, but my faith can't heal you. Only yours can," she said softly.  
  
"I was afraid you'd say that. I don't think my faith has ever been that strong and after all this, it's almost non-existent."  
  
"I have seen people pull through some pretty rough injuries and illnesses simply because they had someone or something to live for, something that gave them an anchor to their life. Do you have that?"  
  
"All I have is my job, my duties..."  
  
"Do you feel strongly enough about them, that those feelings might hold you here?"  
  
"Probably not," Laura said in a tired voice, "frankly their exhausting me."  
  
"What about someone? Love is just another form of faith. Have you told Mr. Congeniality how you feel about him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, perhaps that's another reason why you should..."  
  
The sound of voices moving towards her, drew Laura back to the present and she looked around, once more taking note of her surroundings. Glancing at the door she was passing, she saw that it was the door to the pilots' quarters. It was with a slight flutter in her stomach that she realized that one of the voices approaching her was Capt. Apollo's.  
  
He appeared from around a bend in the corridor, walking towards her and talking with Lt. Thrace. The two young people had obviously been running, as they were both sweaty and wearing running clothes. Upon seeing Laura, Lee's face broke into a warm smile. She felt her knees turn to water at that smile. Lords, she thought to herself, distinctly aware of the heat rising in her face, I'm as bad as a schoolgirl with her first crush. I am entirely too old to be feeling like this.  
  
"Madam President, I meant to go and talk to you today, but I was so busy..." he began, as the two pilots drew up to her.  
  
"Oh? What is it?"  
  
"Well, I think I may have found a solution to the situation on The Amazon... Well, Luther Vulcanus found the solution."  
  
"That's wonderful, but... who?"  
  
"Come into my office and I can explain," he said, gesturing for her to follow him.  
  
Opening the hatch to the pilots' quarters, the three stepped into a short hallway. On the left side was another door, which stood ajar and through which, Laura caught a glimpse of the large barracks area where the pilots slept. On the right, was a closed door which bore Lee's name and title. Pausing in front of his door, he glanced back at Lt. Thrace.  
  
"I'm heading for a shower then straight to bed," the blonde said. "I'll see you in the morning, Lee."  
  
"Good night, Kara."  
  
Opening the door to his office, Lee ushered Laura inside, flipping the light switch as he entered. The first thing in the room that Laura's eyes fell on was the bed, built into the bulkhead wall opposite the door. Despite knowing that she was behaving foolishly, the sight of that neatly- made bed, had the color rising in her cheeks all the faster. Quickly chastising herself for her immature thoughts, she told herself that she should have realized that Apollo's office would also be his quarters. After all, even the commander's office doubled as his living quarters. It was just that in the elder Adama's case the two spaces were larger and more distinctly separated.  
  
"So, what is this solution you've discovered?" Laura asked, trying to force her mind back to the reason she was in the room. "And who is this Luther...?"  
  
"Vulcanus," Lee provided. "He's the chief engineer on board The Bird of Paradise. The man's a genius, which is why I knew that if anyone could solve this problem, it would be him. And he did not disappoint me."  
  
The young man was smiling broadly and practically bouncing on his seat, where he had perched on the edge of his cluttered desk. Laura found herself smiling, unable to resist his infectious enthusiasm.  
  
"Alright, you've piqued my curiosity," she said encouragingly, seating herself in the chair behind the desk.  
  
"Alright, as you know, The Bird of Paradise has four shuttles. What you probably don't know, is that it also has four emergency survival pods. Now, these pods aren't terribly big, but they do have their own life support systems and complete facilities. Vulcanus thinks that these pods could be attached directly onto The Amazon. This would give them more space, more privacy and more facilities. Luther says that he can patch the life support systems from the pods into The Amazon's life support system, thereby boosting all of them.  
  
"I've run this idea past our chief engineer and our chief Viper mechanic, Tyrol, and they all agree that this is feasible. It's going to take some work, but it's definitely do-able. Vulcanus has already volunteered his services and those of his people, and Tyrol said that he can probably spare a few techs here and there... But wait, before you get too excited, there is one snag."  
  
"What?" Laura asked, feeling her elation rapidly seeping away.  
  
"All of this will have to be approved by the commanders in question. My father will have to approve the use of our people, but I don't think that will be a problem. Migs, of course, will have to approve the plan, but I think that will be a given. The problem is probably going to be Capt. Adonis. He never told me about these survival pods during my inspection of The Paradise. I can't help thinking that there was a reason for that. I don't think he's going to want to give them up."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about that, Captain," Laura said, a note of steel entering her voice. "He will agree to give them up. I won't give him a choice."  
  
Lee smiled, feeling a slight thrill at the look of determination on her face. She returned his smile, saying, "You did all of this on your own?"  
  
"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you."  
  
Feeling a sudden, overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude; she stood and leaned across the desk, to take his face between both of her hands. "You are an absolute treasure," she said earnestly, kissing him soundly.  
  
She immediately regretted this impulsive act, as she felt his body stiffen. Although the kiss had been fairly chaste, she had obviously badly misread the situation. Gently, but firmly, he pulled away from her and took a few steps back from the desk. She was about to make her apologies, but he beat her to it.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, still smiling and blushing slightly. "I didn't mean to push you away. It's just... I really need to take a shower." He emphasized this point by plucking at the front of his sweat-damp t-shirt.  
  
Laura laughed, partly in relief and partly in response to his self- conscious, but very endearing, vanity. "I'm sorry, Captain, I won't keep you any longer. I'll leave you to it," she said, starting to rise.  
  
"No, no, you can stay," he said quickly. "Please... stay. Uh, just give me ten minutes?"  
  
"Alright," she said softly, sitting back down. "I'll just wait right here."  
  
He quickly grabbed a few things before disappearing into the small attached bathroom, that Laura hadn't even been aware was there. Within minutes, she heard the soft sound of running water. Suddenly feeling as if her stomach were filled with wriggling spiders who were trying to climb out of her throat, she looked around the room, trying to distract her suddenly over-active thoughts. Unfortunately there wasn't much in the room to provide distraction. There was nothing in the way of personal effects. Everything in the room had a utilitarian and, very military, purpose. She knew that Lee had only been temporarily assigned to the Galactica, so any personal items he had were probably destroyed with his other ship, but she couldn't help wondering if his quarters there were also this devoid of personality.  
  
Turning her attention to the desk in front of her, the only part of the room that wasn't meticulously neat, she noted that even his clutter had a certain amount of order to it. The papers were all neatly stacked, the pens and pencils all grouped together within easy reach. As her gaze took in the small desktop computer, she noticed something leaning against the flat screen, partially obscured by a stack of papers. Leaning, to look around them, she discovered the grubby, stuffed unicorn propped up against the computer, like some sad, little guardian. Slowly, she reached out and picked it up. Looking down at it, she couldn't help but feel herself smile.  
  
The door to the bathroom opened and Lee stepped back into the room. His hair was still damp and he was now wearing a pair of loose, olive green work pants and a gray t-shirt that was slightly too small for him. Although Laura was certainly not going to complain about the way that it hugged the flat plane of his stomach or the width of his shoulders. She held the unicorn out for him to see.  
  
"Most men probably would have thrown this away," she said.  
  
"Yeah, well, I really do think Becca's going to want it back eventually," he said, somewhat self-consciously. "I mean, it's not like she can replace it very easily. So, I figured that I would just hang onto it for her."  
  
"Mmmhmm," Laura murmured, smiling. "I think I've just discovered your secret. You're a lot more human than you like to let on."  
  
As she spoke, she moved closer. She slid one hand up to cup his jaw and ran her thumb lightly over his cheek. The skin felt smooth and surprisingly soft. She realized that he must have taken the time to shave as well. She found the thought that he had taken this extra step rather touching. Drawing him closer, she kissed him again.  
  
It had been such a long time since she had even enjoyed the pure sensuality of a long, slow kiss that she wanted to take her time, allow herself to fully experience every sensation, to explore and memorize every movement and taste of the warm pliant mouth against hers, at her leisure. Lee seemed to be aware of this and seemed perfectly content to let her set the pace for this seduction. He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her even closer, but did nothing that would have made her feel rushed or pressured. She felt safe and secure with him in a way that she hadn't felt in what seemed like a lifetime.  
  
As they continued with this deliberate intimacy, Laura found her hands taking on thoughts of their own. She didn't seem to be consciously controlling them as they glided from his face, down his neck and chest, and around his waist to settle comfortably on that gloriously firm backside that, to her, seemed to simply beg to be handled. Giving in to that urge, she squeezed tightly. She felt a delicious thrill as she felt him arch slightly against her.  
  
"I've wanted to do that for a long time," she whispered against his lips.  
  
"Why didn't you?"  
  
She smiled, but didn't answer, only kissing him again. It was a fair question, she thought, because now that she had the young man in her arms, she couldn't quite seem to remember why it was that it had taken her so long to get to this point. Why was it again, that she hadn't simply ravaged him at the very first opportunity? But then she remembered why...  
  
Lee's hands had slid up under her sweatshirt and, as they lightly grazed her bare breasts, she felt a flash of terror. Would he somehow be able to feel the cancer through her skin? What if he somehow caught it from her? These fears were completely baseless and irrational, she knew this, but still couldn't stop herself from thinking them any more than she could stop the quick gasp or involuntary step she had taken back from him.  
  
The stricken expression on his face, plainly told her that he assumed he had overstepped his bounds. "I-I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I shouldn't..."  
  
"No, it's alright," she interrupted, wanting to reassure him that he had done nothing wrong, that the problem wasn't him. She grasped his hands in hers and said, "Your hands are cold." And, in truth, his fingers were slightly chilled.  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
Damn, why did he have to be so perceptive? "No," she said, again opting for the partial truth. "The fact is, I haven't done this in a very long time and I'm just afraid that I'm a little rusty."  
  
Gently pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her waist again, he leaned his forehead lightly against hers. "You seem to be doing just fine to me, but all you have to do is say the word and we can stop anytime."  
  
Well, well, an officer and a gentleman, she thought. Could this man be any more perfect? The simple fact that he had offered to stop any time for her, made her not want to stop all the more. And the truth was, she wanted him, badly. As her desire began to override her fear, she kissed him again, idly wondering what special properties he possessed that made it impossible for her to resist the taste of his lips. After a moment, she reluctantly pulled away slightly, her eyes drifting over the bed. She looked back at him invitingly.  
  
"Are you sure about this?" he asked gently.  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
Despite that bold word, Laura felt some of her fear returning. Now she would have to undress. She had never been terribly self-conscious about her body before, she knew her figure was still quite trim, but somehow standing before this very young, very athletically-built man, she was suddenly nervous. She desperately wished it were not quite so bright in the room.  
  
As if he had read her thoughts, Lee went to the small bedside lamp and turned it on. Going to the switch by the door, he flipped off the harsh, overhead lights. He pulled the snug t-shirt off and dropped it onto the desk chair as he returned to her side.  
  
Admiring the view, Laura realized that she was expected to reciprocate. Taking a deep breath, she pulled off her sweatshirt. Slowly raising her eyes to meet his, she was relieved to see nothing which indicated to her that he was in any way disappointed by what he saw and her self-consciousness melted away. Once they were both naked, he climbed into the bed, drawing her after him.  
  
While he had been content to allow her to set the pace during the seduction, he was more than happy to take the lead for their love-making and she found him to be as uncompromisingly thorough in this, as he was at every other task he undertook. An hour or so later, found both of them sated and sleepy. Lee lay close beside Laura, there wasn't much choice in the narrow bed, but, perhaps sensing that she wouldn't want it, he didn't crowd her or hold her in an overly possessive manner. His nearness was more of a physical reminder that he was close at hand should she have any... further need of him.  
  
Laura lay awake for a long time, listening to the younger man's breathing deepen with sleep. Despite the satisfaction of her body, her mind wouldn't rest. Now that the distracting fire of her passion had cooled, reality began to once more reassert its influence... What have I done? she asked herself. I have no business starting a relationship with this young man, simply so that he can watch me slowly waste away. Hasn't he experienced enough death already, without adding my name to the list of loved ones gone forever?  
  
She had a sudden image of herself lying in a hospital bed, her body perforated at several points by various tubes and monitoring wires. She was unconscious, oblivious of the world around her, while Lee sat dutifully at her side, watching her die. No! she thought emphatically, thrusting the image out of her mind. I can't do that to him. I won't ask it of him. The first tendrils of panic were beginning to thread insidiously into her thoughts. She sat up cautiously, careful not to disturb the sleeper beside her.  
  
Glancing down at him, she saw that his face was turned towards her. All the tensions and worries of his job were erased from his face as he slept and he looked so much younger, almost childlike. Another image flashed through her mind, her memory of Lee lying asleep in the chair with Becca sprawled across his chest. He would make a wonderful father someday. And he should be a father, she thought. From a simple genetic standpoint, he was a fine physical specimen who should not be lost from Humanity's remaining gene pool. But Laura could not give him children. Even in her prime she could not have done that. Wouldn't it be best, for everyone, if he were to find someone closer to his own age, who could give him fat, happy babies, who might inherit his flight skills and beautiful, blue eyes?  
  
Yes, she thought, firmly taking hold of her rising panic. It would be best, for everyone, if she ended this relationship now, while it was still in its infancy. He would probably be hurt, yes, but the pain he felt now, would be nothing compared to what he would have to endure later. She told herself that in the long run, she was sparing him from a great deal more heartache. He was young, he was very attractive, and he would have no trouble finding another willing partner to fill the empty space Laura left in his bed.  
  
Her mind made up, she carefully climbed out of the bed and began dressing. She deliberately kept her back to the bed, so that she would not have to look at him, to see the way his body unconsciously curled toward the warm void she had left behind. She forced herself not to think about what she was doing. She knew the feeling of ill-use one felt when waking up alone the morning after an evening spent in passion. But she also knew that if she stayed, she would lose her resolve, knew that if she had to face those eyes in the morning, she would never be able to walk away. So, like the coward she knew she was, she crept out of the room under the cover of night, like a thief stealing into the darkness.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
Lee awoke the next morning alone. Rolling over to silence his shrieking alarm, it took him a moment to remember that he had not fallen asleep alone. He lay still for several minutes, listening for sounds coming from the bathroom, but there was nothing. Laura had obviously already left. He wasn't sure how he felt about this. He had never dealt with this situation before. Glancing around, he looked for a note or something, but again, there was nothing.  
  
She probably just didn't want to be seen leaving his room, he told himself. Their relationship would be awkward for her to explain. But why hadn't she woken him up to let him know that she was leaving?  
  
Pushing the thoughts from his mind, he climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Kara always accused him of "thinking everything to death" and he was determined not to mess things up with Laura by over-analyzing her every action. He would simply ask her about it, when he saw her next. And he would probably see her today. They would need to get all the official stuff taken care of before they could get things moving on the modifications for The Amazon.  
  
With the knowledge that he would most likely be seeing her later in the day, giving him something to look forward to, Lee smiled as he stepped into the shower.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Laura sat at the conference table that served as her desk and shuffled through the various reports and requests from the captains of the civilian ships. She was getting very little done. She couldn't seem to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. Her thoughts kept treacherously dwelling on the remembered feel of eager lips and the look of passion-glazed, blue eyes...  
  
"Madam President?"  
  
"Hmm?" she murmured, jumping slightly at the unexpected voice addressing her. She looked up at Billy inquiringly.  
  
"Um, I just wanted to remind you that you have an appointment to meet with Capt. Adonis on The Bird of Paradise, in an hour," the young man said.  
  
"Oh, yes, thank you, Billy. What would I do without you," she said gratefully. She had already completely forgotten about the meeting and she had just made it that morning, only a few hours earlier.  
  
"Um, if you don't mind my saying, Ma'am, you seem a little distracted today. Did you sleep alright?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid I didn't get much sleep last night," she said, blushing slightly as she remembered, at least, part of the reason for her lack of sleep. "I've got a lot on my mind," she added, as she remembered the rest of the reason.  
  
"Is everything all right? I mean, you didn't get any bad news, did you?"  
  
It took her a moment to realize that he was referring to her health. "Oh, no, it's nothing like that. There's been no change there, so far."  
  
"Oh, well that's good, at least... Is there anything I can do to help with whatever is bothering you?"  
  
She smiled fondly at him, saying, "No, I'm afraid not, but thank you anyway, Billy."  
  
"No problem... So, I'll let you get back to work and I'll come and get you when it's time to head over to The Paradise, okay?"  
  
"That's fine, thank you."  
  
After the young man had left, she attempted to return to her work, but it was useless, she couldn't concentrate. If her mind wasn't tempting her with distracting memories of last night's love-making, then it was torturing her for her cowardly behavior towards Apollo. The young pilot had been nothing but gentle and patient with her and she had repaid his kindness, by abandoning him, without even an explanation. But what would she tell him? Should she tell him the truth, as Naomi had suggested? No, she thought, I would rather deal with his resentment than his pity or sense of obligation.  
  
So preoccupied were her thoughts that almost didn't notice the soft knock at the door to the ward room. Assuming that it was Billy coming to tell her that her shuttle was ready, she called, "Come in."  
  
She found her heart skipping a beat as she looked up and saw Capt. Apollo enter, smiling warmly. Closing the door behind him, he walked to the table and started to lean across it, as if to kiss her. Panicked, she quickly slid her chair back and stood up. She felt a sharp stab of guilt as she watched the smile die on his face.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly. But before she could think of an appropriate response, he continued, "You regret what happened last night, don't you?"  
  
She sighed unhappily, but was actually grateful for his bluntness. At least she could deal with this quickly and be done with it. Maybe that would stop the seemingly endless cycle of guilt.  
  
"No, I don't regret it," she said truthfully, "but it can't happen again."  
  
"Why? Did I do something wrong?"  
  
"No, Lee, you were perfect," she said softly, fully cognizant of the irony in that she was only just now using his given name for the first time. "But there are too many complications with this relationship. And I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with this right now."  
  
"I don't understand..."  
  
"I'm the president. My job is to serve what's left of our people. How do think it would look to them if they knew that I was having a relationship with someone young enough to be my son?"  
  
"It's none of their business and they don't even have to know."  
  
"Oh, yes, and we both know how well secrets are kept on this ship. It's amazing how small such a big ship can be. Eventually someone would find out and I think we both know who that someone would most likely be. How do you think he'll react?"  
  
When Lee looked away and gave no response, she continued, "We both know your father will not be happy with this relationship."  
  
"My father's approval, or lack there of, has no bearing on who I choose to have a relationship with," the young pilot said hotly.  
  
"No, I imagine it doesn't, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to work with him. And he has the ability to make my life very difficult, if he chooses to."  
  
"He wouldn't do that," Lee insisted.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
The young man looked away, suddenly not entirely sure of anything. He thought he had found someone who cared about him in the same way that he cared about them. But he had been wrong. He had not been involved in all that many relationships in his life, but in the few that he had, he had always been the one who broke it off. And now that he was finding himself on the receiving end of the "this just isn't working out" speech, he thought it was a stupid, bullshit line. He had always thought that giving that speech was difficult, but now he knew first hand that receiving it was much, much worse.  
  
"So, that's it?" he asked bitterly. "Just like that, it's over?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sorry, you don't know how sorry, but I just can't do this."  
  
Lee was about to try one last argument, but before he could, the door to the wardroom opened and Laura's aide, Billy, stepped inside.  
  
"Madam President, your shuttle is..." the young man was saying as he entered. He broke off as he noted Lee's presence. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were meeting with someone..."  
  
"That's alright," Lee said quickly. "We're done."  
  
With those words, the captain turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. There was no way someone as perceptive as Billy could fail to notice the tightly closed look on the other man's face or the tension which still hung heavily in the air.  
  
"Um, I'm really sorry, Ma'am, if I interrupted something," Billy said uncomfortably.  
  
"No, that's alright," Laura said softly, her face sadly composed, "as the captain said, we were done."  
  
To be continued... 


	4. Chapter 4

7/4/04  
  
LOVE'S LOST CHILDREN  
  
Chapter 4  
  
The reconstituted protein concoction oozed unappetizingly around Lee's plate like watery tapioca pudding as he pushed it with his spoon. With a slight shudder, he gave up, dropped the utensil onto the plate and pushed it away. Picking up his mug of "bug juice", the crew's nickname for the vile powdered fruit drink mix they were served in the mornings, as coffee was now a distant memory, he drained it. The drink mixes came in a variety of artificial fruit flavors, all in correspondingly unappealing fluorescent colors, and this morning it was orange.  
  
You know things are bad when you find yourself looking back fondly on memories of past military meals, he thought glumly. We always used to complain about the food, but now what would I give for just one of those greasy cheeseburgers.  
  
"You know, glaring at it, isn't going to make it taste any better," a voice said, very close by.  
  
Lee looked up just as Kara slipped into the chair across the table from him and deposited her own tray of protein hash. She glanced down critically at his barely touched plate of rations.  
  
"You've barely eaten all week, Lee, what's going on?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Yeah, right, and in the meantime, there are children starving on the civilian ships and here you are wasting perfectly good food!" she said dramatically.  
  
"No one's starving on the civilian ships!"  
  
"Okay, fine! That guilt trip line always worked for my mother on me."  
  
"Do you remember your mother much?" Lee asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yeah, a little. I was about six or seven when she took off, so yeah, I have some memories of her."  
  
"Do you resent her for leaving you behind?" Lee and Kara had known each other since secondary school, but they had never really discussed her absent mother, perhaps because they had always been too busy dealing with her all-too present father.  
  
"For a long time, I did, yeah. But now that I'm older, I realize that she probably didn't have much choice. She was very young, a lot younger than my dad. I doubt she had too many job skills, I don't think she even had a complete secondary education. So, how was she supposed to support herself, let alone, me? And at that time, Dad had never hit me, just her. Maybe she assumed he never would. He didn't start coming after me until after she left. And even then, nothing he ever did to me was as bad as what he used to do to her."  
  
"Really?" Lee asked incredulous, remembering vividly some of the nasty bruises he had seen Kara sport from time to time.  
  
"Oh, yeah..." she said seriously. "No, I don't blame her anymore. She was just doing what she had to do to survive. I like to tell myself that maybe she planned on coming back for me later, and for one reason or another, just never got the chance. Sometimes, you gotta deal with your own shit before you can be of any use to anyone else. I can understand that... It was a bad situation all around. I don't think there was any right or wrong answer. She did what was best for her. I guess, I can't really blame her for that... Anyway, enough about that, we were supposed to be talking about what's bothering you."  
  
"Nothing's bothering me."  
  
"Fine, whatever, don't tell me, but you are not leaving this table until you eat some of your rations."  
  
"Oh really? And just how to you plan on making me?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest, sincerely curious.  
  
"I don't plan on making you. I plan on bribing you."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"This..." she said, reaching into her mug, which he assumed had just held more bug juice, and pulling out... a strawberry. It was not a particularly large piece of fruit, but it was perfectly shaped and perfectly ripe, perfectly... perfect. "Now, as I recall, strawberries are your favorite..." she added, waving the berry enticingly under his nose.  
  
"Where did you get that?" he asked, his eyes following its movement.  
  
"From the hydroponics lab. I know someone who works in there. And this little guy is part of our very first harvest."  
  
After they had discovered hydroponics equipment on board one of the civilian ships, the techs in the Galactica's machine shop had worked quickly to duplicate the equipment out of various spare parts. Now, several of the ships, including the Galactica, had their own hydroponics labs as well. While these ships did not have actual grow lights, many of them were equipped with ultraviolet enhanced sun lamps, which were used by the crews to help combat seasonal affective disorder, due to lack of natural sunlight during extended periods in deep space.  
  
The Galactica's lab had only been up for a few months and Lee hadn't realized that any of the produce grown there was ready for harvest yet. Obviously, he had been wrong. He reached out to take the berry from Kara, but she quickly pulled it back.  
  
"Not until you eat some protein," she said firmly.  
  
He glared at her, annoyed. He greatly disliked being treated like a difficult child, even if he was acting like one. Still determined not to give in to her, he said, "Well, if the harvest is ready, they'll starting making it available to everyone soon enough."  
  
"True," she agreed casually. "They're probably going to have them as part of dinner later today. But why wait if you don't have to? Don't you want to have the very first one? It is, after all, the best one. They didn't all look this good. I can't guarantee what you'll end up with tonight."  
  
"You know, I could just take it from you."  
  
"You really think you could?"  
  
"You know I could," he said, leaning forward menacingly.  
  
"Mmm, probably," she conceded, "but this little guy might get bruised in the process, possibly even squished. Do you really want to risk it?"  
  
With a sigh, Lee pulled the plate back to him and took a spoonful of the protein mash. Putting it in his mouth, he found that it had cooled considerably. When it was hot, it was at least somewhat palatable, but cold, it was disgusting. He forced himself to swallow it with some difficulty. Afterwards, he pushed the plate away again.  
  
"No, I can't eat anymore," he gasped. "It's cold now."  
  
"Well, whose fault is that?" Kara asked, but she took pity on him and handed over the prize.  
  
"Thank you," he said grudgingly.  
  
"You're welcome," she said, reaching back into her mug and taking out another berry.  
  
"Wait a minute; you had another one in there?"  
  
"Well, yeah, you didn't think I just got one for you, did you? I mean, you may be my best friend, but please..."  
  
He chuckled at that and they lightly touched their strawberries together, as though clinking imaginary glasses, and popped them into their mouths. Lee chewed slowly, savoring the sweet flavor.  
  
"So, now are you going to tell me what's been bothering you?" Kara asked after a few minutes. "You've been moping around all week as if your dog just died. What's up?"  
  
For a moment, he seriously considered telling her everything, about his feelings for Laura, their unexpected night together, and her subsequent withdrawal from him. But he knew he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Laura. This was her secret too and she obviously didn't want it known.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Kara," he said at last. "It's nothing. I'll get over it."  
  
"Okay, I tried. If you change your mind, just let me know. You know where to find me."  
  
"Yeah, thanks."  
  
After Kara had finished her breakfast, she and Lee left the officers' mess, heading back towards the pilots' quarters. As they walked, they encountered Pres. Roslin. The older woman slowed as the two pilots approached and smiled at them.  
  
"Good morning, Lieutenant... Captain," Laura said cheerfully.  
  
"Good morning, Madam President," Kara said, returning the smile. Although she hadn't gotten a chance to get to know the older woman much, Kara had a lot of respect for the soft-spoken, but obviously capable, politician.  
  
"Madam President," Lee said coolly, with a slight nod.  
  
Kara Thrace was a fairly perceptive person, so she could hardly have missed the sudden tension between Lee and the president. Nor did she miss the almost pained expression that briefly passed across Roslin's face before she excused herself and continued on her way.  
  
"What was that all about?" Kara asked, when the other woman was out of earshot.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Lee asked, trying, and failing, to look innocent.  
  
"You just completely gave her the cold shoulder. So, tell me, what did the president do to piss you off?"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"The hell you don't!" Kara said. "Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of that cold shoulder enough times whenever I've pissed you off, that I'm pretty familiar with what it looks, and feels, like. The other day, you were all excited to see her, so that you could tell her your news. Today, you've barely got the time of day for her. What gives? Did she shoot your idea down?"  
  
"It's nothing, Kara. Just drop it."  
  
"Does this have something to do with why you've been moping around all week?"  
  
"I have not been moping."  
  
"Fine, have it your way," Kara said, throwing her hands up and walking away.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Laura's thoughts were also still dwelling on Lee's cool greeting as she walked into the Life Station for her daily chemo session. It was not the first time they had had to deal with each other since that painful Morning After conversation. After all, it was a relatively small ship. They couldn't hope to avoid each other for long. They had also had to work together to get things moving on their plan for The Amazon and during all those meetings, Lee had been excruciatingly courteous and efficient, and as chilly as a Libron winter.  
  
She had hoped that their little talk would have convinced him that her actions were not meant as a personal slight to him, but it appeared that he was taking it as such. She truly had not initially realized just how deep a blow she had delivered to his surprisingly vulnerable pride. She had also hoped their conversation would have eased her guilty conscience, but so far it hadn't. She felt worse than ever.  
  
She was so accustomed to the routine of her chemo sessions by now, that she just headed back to the private room, which she beginning to think of as 'her' room. Walking in, she found Cassie already waiting for her. The young woman turned to her as she entered and gave her a tight smile.  
  
"Good morning, Cassie," Laura said cautiously, suspicious of that unenthusiastic smile. Cassie was usually very warm in her greetings to the president.  
  
"Good morning, Madam President. Uh, before we get started today, Dr. Soter wants to speak to you in his office."  
  
"It's bad news, isn't it?"  
  
"I'll let Dr. Soter tell you," Cassie said evasively, not meeting Laura's eyes.  
  
Lovely, Laura thought, feeling cold dread seeping into her stomach, as if she had just drunk a glass of very cold milk. This day was already off to a wonderful start. Bracing herself, she headed back toward the doctor's office.  
  
Moments later, she found herself sitting in the small cluttered office of Dr. Galen Soter, facing the young man in question, who was seated at his desk, running a hand through his prematurely thinning brown hair. The uncomfortable looks he kept casting her way, confirmed her guess that the news he was about to give her, wasn't going to be good.  
  
"I just got the results from your latest batch of tests..." he said slowly. "The cancer is beginning to spread. The chemotherapy doesn't seem to be working as effectively as I'd hoped... As I've already explained to you, we don't have a lot of options open to us. At this point, our best bet is to deal with this now, before it can spread to the lymph nodes... I want to schedule you for a total mastectomy as soon as possible."  
  
Laura took a deep breath... There it was, the word she had been dreading to hear. She felt as though something deep inside her was shrinking in horror, curling into a tight, little ball, trying to protect itself. Wasn't it bad enough that the Lords had taken away her ability to have children? Were they now going to rob her of the last vestiges of her sex as well?  
  
The calm, rational part of her mind that had allowed her to keep functioning despite watching her world crumble around her, knew she was overreacting. Her mammary glands were not what defined her as a woman. And since she couldn't bear children, it wasn't as if she even really needed them. Hell, if she was being completely honest with herself, it wasn't like she really had all that much to lose, but...  
  
She had spent so much of her adult life feeling sexually inadequate because of her barrenness. And yet, despite all of that, Lee Adama had desired her and he had still wanted her the next morning. It was a heady feeling and she couldn't help wondering if he would continue to desire her after the operation, when she was scarred and incomplete. Or would he turn away in disgust? She tried to tell herself that that didn't matter. She had ended the relationship with him. She shouldn't be making decisions based on his possible reaction, when more than likely, he would never even know. And yet, she couldn't get the image of his look of revulsion out of her mind.  
  
"Madam President, did you hear me?" Dr. Soter asked, breaking into her thoughts.  
  
"Hmm? What? I'm sorry, no, I didn't hear you."  
  
"I asked when would be a good time to schedule the surgery. You'll need a few days, at least, for recovery and-."  
  
"No," Laura interrupted firmly. "There won't be any surgery."  
  
"What? Madam Pres- Laura, you do understand that if you don't have this surgery, the cancer will continue to spread and you will die."  
  
"So, can you guarantee me, that if I do have this surgery, the cancer will be gone and I will be completely cured?"  
  
"Well, no, I can't guarantee that we'll be able to get it all or that it won't come back, but I can tell you that this is your best chance at survival."  
  
"That's your opinion, Doctor. I don't happen to agree with it. I will be discontinuing my chemotherapy as well. Please, tell Cassie, that I'm sorry, but I won't be enjoying her company this morning after all," Laura said, getting to her feet.  
  
"What? Laura, this is insane! This is tantamount to suicide! You can't do this!"  
  
"Watch me. I'm sorry, Doctor, you and your staff have done the best you could and I am grateful, but if I'm going to die then I'm going to do it on my terms, not yours. Now, please don't take this personally, but get bent!"  
  
As Laura left Dr. Soter's office, she felt an odd sense of elation. She was taking charge of her life, her disease, and very possibly, her death. It felt strangely empowering. No one else would be deciding for her what would happen to her body. This was her decision and hers alone and she was prepared to deal with the consequences.  
  
Stepping into the main area of the Life Station, she found the place buzzing with activity. Med. Techs were rushing around with armloads of supplies. Seeing Cassie directing this activity, she went to the younger woman's side.  
  
"What's going on? Has something happened?"  
  
"We just got notified that there was an accident with one of the Vipers down on the port side hangar deck. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but evidently the pilot and several members of the deck crew were badly burned. We're trying to get the trauma rooms ready to receive them now."  
  
"Do you know who the pilot was?" Laura asked, suddenly feeling her heart rate quicken.  
  
"No, I'm afraid not," Cassie answered briskly. "Look, I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I really need to get back to my duties."  
  
"Of course, I'm sorry, go."  
  
Trying to keep a grip on her rising panic, Laura told herself that once again, she was overreacting. There were many pilots on board the ship. The injured pilot could be any one of them. The odds were very slim that it was... She found that she couldn't even continue with that thought. She had to find out for sure. She knew that she wouldn't be able to relax until she knew for sure that he was not in danger. And she was not going to stand around here waiting for the answer to come to her.  
  
The hallways of the Galactica were often so congested that it was difficult to get around, especially during shift changes. So, why was it that when she really wanted to see an officer, any officer, whom she could ask what was going on, the hallways were deserted? Deciding she would have to get the answers for herself, she started off, heading toward the port side hangar, as quickly as her skirt and heels would allow.  
  
Arriving at her destination, she found several people milling around in the corridor, including Billy. Moving to her aide's side, she asked if he knew what had happened.  
  
"I'm not really sure," he answered. "I came down here to make sure that your shuttle would be ready for this afternoon and while I was talking to the deck boss, I heard shouting. We both turned to see that one of the Vipers was on fire. That's when everything got confusing. The alarms started going off, there were people rushing around, and then someone was telling me that I had to leave the deck. That was about an hour ago."  
  
"The pilot was still inside the Viper when it caught on fire?" Laura asked, feeling slightly sick.  
  
"Yeah, but I couldn't see who it was. I'm not even sure if it was a man or a woman. Whoever it was must have been pretty badly hurt though, the medical team went in about a half hour ago, but I haven't seen them come back out."  
  
Looking around at the people in the hallway, she caught sight of a familiar face. It was the dark-haired lieutenant that had piloted the Raptor and had found all those lost ships after the Cylon attack. Now if Laura could just remember her name... Val-something... Valerii, that was it.  
  
Approaching the pilot, she asked, "Excuse me, Lt. Valerii, do you have any idea of what's happened?"  
  
"Yes sir, I guess there was a fuel leak in one of the Vipers and it caught fire. They've got the fire put out, but the port side hangar is going to be closed off for a while, until the crews can get it cleaned up and figure out what went wrong."  
  
"But there were injuries, weren't there?"  
  
"Yes, the pilot has some pretty nasty burns on the face and hands and, I think, one or two of the deck crew also received burns while trying to suppress the fire."  
  
"Do you know who the pilot was?"  
  
"Uh, no, I'm sorry, sir. There was too much going on for me to really see the pilot before I was ordered off the deck. There was a lot of shouting, but... I thought I heard Capt. Adama's name called once or twice."  
  
The young woman looked pale and concerned. Feeling numb herself, Laura gave the other woman's shoulder a quick reassuring squeeze before she turned to find someone who could give her the answers she so desperately needed. Moving to enter the hangar deck, she found two security officers barring the doorway. The two men stepped up to her as she approached.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, this area is temporarily off limits," one of them told her. "You can't go in there."  
  
"The hell I can't! I'm the president. Now get out of my way!"  
  
After a moment's consideration, the two men reluctantly stood down and allowed her to pass. Entering the large space, she was immediately assaulted by the sharp, acrid smell of over-heated metal and melted plastic. Much of the area was still coated with a layer of the foam substance that had been used to smother the flames. The crews were still moving about cautiously, making sure the fire was completely doused and there was no chance of it possibly re-igniting.  
  
Looking around, Laura saw no sign of the medical team. Had they already taken the wounded pilot to the Life Station? Just as her panic was beginning to gain the upper hand, she abruptly let out a tremendous sigh of relief as her eyes fell on Lee Adama, standing beside Chief Tyrol. Both young men had their backs to her and were inspecting the blackened, burnt out shell of a Viper.  
  
Lee was alive, he was unhurt, and judging by the incomplete state of his uniform, he hadn't even been on duty, let alone, in the Viper. As relief flooded her body, she felt herself beginning to shake. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and was only just managing to keep herself from falling apart completely. Sensing movement beside her, she glanced over to see Commander Adama move to join his son and Tyrol. The man hadn't even glanced in her direction.  
  
"Ma'am, you really shouldn't be here. It's not safe right now."  
  
Laura turned to see a young woman, barely more than a girl, really, with a dark ponytail and dressed in the fire retardant suits of the ground crew, looking at her anxiously. The girl's pale face was smudged with soot, making her appear even younger, a child playing dress-up in the grown-up world.  
  
"Are you alright, Ma'am?" the girl asked, slightly concerned.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," Laura managed to whisper. "I-I just wanted to see how bad the damage was. I'll leave now."  
  
Later, she was never really sure how she managed to get out of the hangar without completely embarrassing herself. She could feel that she was on the very edge of hysteria. She was a woman who throughout her lifetime had prided herself on her discipline and tightly controlled emotions. But right now, she could feel all of that control rapidly unraveling. She walked blindly through the halls, not even sure where she was headed, because on some vague, sub-conscious level she was aware that she was not headed in the direction of her quarters.  
  
As though her feet had minds of their own, she soon found herself standing outside the pilots' quarters. She pushed the hatch open and immediately went to the door to Lee's room. Without a single coherent thought, she opened the door and let herself in, closing it again behind her. The room was empty, of course. Lee was still down on the hangar deck. So, what solace she expected to find here, she wasn't sure. She only knew that this was where she had needed to be.  
  
Stepping further into the room, she moved to stand beside the bed. Looking down at it, she suddenly felt foolish. What am I doing here? she asked herself in exasperation. Wrapping her arms around herself, she turned to leave, but her eyes fell on the desk and the sad, little unicorn sitting guard beside the computer. Picking up the worn toy, she felt the last vestiges of her control crumble away.  
  
Hugging the stuffed animal to her chest, she collapsed onto the bed and began to cry. These were not the gentle, lady-like tears of a woman who has just had a slight scare, but the soul-wrenching sobs of a woman who has, and still is, looking the great, black void of death, squarely in the face. Whether she was crying for the lost Colonies, her own impending mortality, or pure relief that Lee Adama was safe, she didn't really know. Most likely, it was a combination of them all.  
  
She didn't know how long she had lain there, crying. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours. It was as if something inside of her had broken and she couldn't seem to stop the tears now that they had started. So intent was she, on her own misery, that she didn't hear it when Lee entered the room. She wasn't even aware of his presence beside the bed until he softly called to her.  
  
"Laura?"  
  
Sniffling, she slowly lifted her head to look at him. She had no idea what to expect from him, but the look he gave her held only concern. It was more than she could bear and she broke down again, sobbing uncontrollably. Without another word, he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. She was only vaguely aware of his hand rubbing her back or the meaningless words of comfort he was murmuring to her as she cried against his shoulder. The faint smell of smoke that clung to his hair and clothes only served as a reminder of what she could have lost today.  
  
Eventually, she must have exhausted herself and fallen asleep. When she came awake again some time late, she found herself lying half-across Lee's stomach. He was now lounging back against the wall at the head of the bed, his feet extended out in front of him. Cautiously moving her head to look up at him, she found calm, blue eyes watching her. She felt herself flush slightly.  
  
"I-I'm so sorry," she said, struggling to sit up, while still maintaining her dignity.  
  
She was incredibly stiff and sore, as if she had been working out. As she finally managed to get to an upright position, she realized that she was still clutching the little unicorn tightly in her hand. She was very much aware that she probably looked terrible. She was not one of those women who could go off on a crying binge and still somehow manage to look good. Of course, hers had been more than just a binge, more like a purge. She knew that her eyes would be swollen and red, her skin blotchy. She rubbed a hand over her now-dry face and felt the beginnings of a splitting headache starting at the very front of her forehead. Lords, what must he think of her?  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly.  
  
"I don't really know what happened. I heard something about an accident on the hangar deck. I went to find out more information. I spoke to Lt. Valerii and she said that one of the Vipers had caught fire. She said she had heard someone say your name and I thought... It was stupid of me, really. I had no reason to jump to that conclusion, but... I don't know what's the matter with me. I just can't seem to control my emotions these days. I was doing so well for so long, but... I am so sorry, for the way that I have behaved towards you. I had no right to try and start something that I knew I couldn't finish, and I shouldn't have simply walked away without an explanation."  
  
He said nothing, but he did reach out to gently rub her arm soothingly. Feeling herself strengthened by his touch, she made up her mind.  
  
"There's something I have to tell you," she said and, taking a deep breath, she began, "I have cancer..." She told him everything, her doubtful prognosis, her chemotherapy experience, her conversation with Migs, and her refusal to have the mastectomy. He sat silent and expressionless throughout this monologue and when she had finished, she said, "Please, say something."  
  
He was silent for a moment longer, before finally saying, "Why didn't you tell me all this sooner?"  
  
"I should have, you're right," she agreed, "but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be pitied and I didn't want it to affect my job. But I should have told you as soon as I started to feel... I'm sorry."  
  
"Okay," he said, starting to reach out to touch her face. She caught his hand before he could and placed it back in his lap.  
  
"This conversation doesn't change anything, Lee," she said. "I'm still dying and I'm still not going to let you put your life on hold while you wait around for that to happen."  
  
"So, you've already decided all of this, have you?" he asked testily. "You've already committed yourself to the ultimate outcome and, evidently, you've already made up my mind for me, as well. Don't I get to have a say in this, myself?"  
  
She sighed heavily. "You don't know what you're getting into. You're too young. You still think you're immortal..."  
  
"No, I don't! Not anymore. I've watched too many good pilots die to ever make that mistake again. You thought that it might be me in that Viper that caught fire today, well it very well could have been and next time, it could be me. No, Laura, I know that I'm not immortal, in fact, I'm perfectly well aware, that my life expectancy might just be shorter than yours."  
  
She had nothing to say to that. What could she, really? But she wasn't quite ready to give in to him. "At least, if you die in your Viper, it will most likely be quick and efficient. Tell me honestly, are you prepared to watch me die slowly?"  
  
"... I don't know," he said truthfully. "But shouldn't I, at least, be allowed the choice?"  
  
Realizing that this conversation was not going the way that she had expected it to, Laura stood and began pacing. Still clutching the little unicorn, she began unconsciously squeezing it as she moved around the small room.  
  
"There's still the matter of children," she said abruptly, stopping to face him.  
  
"What ? Children?" Lee asked, slightly startled. "They're hardly an issue at this point."  
  
"That's just it, they should be an issue! In order for us humans to survive, we need to be having babies. Our able-bodied, young people, such as you, should be actively seeking out partners so that they can begin repopulating our species. How does it look, when the president, who has been openly advocating this policy and is incapable of acting upon it herself, takes one of the prime specimens out of the gene pool?" she asked, gesturing at him.  
  
"Prime specimen?" Lee repeated, trying not to laugh at the sudden absurd turn in the conversation. "My, such flattery will go straight to my head. I don't think I've ever been complimented quite so... clinically before."  
  
"You know what I mean!" she said, irritated at his ill-timed attempt at levity. She knew that she was being ridiculous, but she didn't really care and she didn't need him pointing it out.  
  
"No, actually, I don't know what you mean. Look, there aren't going to be any children in my future any time soon."  
  
"But there should be. You should be looking for a girl your own age that you can have children with."  
  
"Laura, I can't, alright! I can't father any children... at least, not for another three or four years."  
  
"What?"  
  
He took a deep breath and asked, "Do you know what RISUG is?"  
  
"No, never heard of it."  
  
"It stands for Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance... It's male birth control and one injection is good for about ten years. I got the injection when I was 21. I figured that by the time I was 31, I would be at a point in my career that I might be ready to start thinking about a family. Until then, I didn't want to have to worry about it and I didn't want to have to rely on my partners being on birth control."  
  
"Well, this can be reversed, can't it?" Laura asked. "I mean, 21 is incredibly young to be making that kind of a decision. What if you'd changed your mind, five years after getting the injection?"  
  
"Yes, there is another injection that can neutralize the first one, but I seriously doubt the Galactica's Life Station pharmacy stocks it. They stock the birth control, but the Fleet previously wasn't in the habit of encouraging it's warriors to procreate while in space. And that's fine with me, because I'm not in any hurry to become a father."  
  
Once again, Laura had nothing to say to this. He had just effectively shot down her arguments for why they couldn't be together. He hadn't looked at her with pity when she had told him about the cancer or the mastectomy. He had appeared concerned and supportive. This was not the reaction she had imagined she would receive and she wasn't sure how to deal with this. She wasn't sure how to deal with any of this. Her emotions were still quite raw from all the abuse they had taken today. She needed some time to sort all this out, to decide how she really felt. And she couldn't do that with him sitting so close. He was too much of a distraction. She could feel the headache beginning to gain strength.  
  
"I-I can't deal with this right now," she said, rubbing her forehead. "I need to think. I need..."  
  
"Laura..." Lee started, swinging his legs off the bed to go to her.  
  
"No!" she said quickly, stopping him. "I need to be alone. Please..."  
  
She left the room hastily, before she could change her mind, unconsciously still clutching the little unicorn. When she returned to her room, she found Naomi waiting for her inside. The priest, who had been sitting on the bed, stood as Laura entered, concern showing plainly on her face.  
  
"Laura, where have you been?" Naomi demanded. "Dr. Soter told me about your conversation. I've been looking for you all afternoon. Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. I've been talking to a... friend."  
  
"Mr. Congeniality?" Naomi asked, with a sly smile. Her sharp eyes had taken note of the stuffed animal in Laura's hand, but she made no comment on it.  
  
"Yes," Laura said, flushing slightly.  
  
"So, you told him about the cancer?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And what did he have to say about your decision not to have the operation?"  
  
"Well, we didn't really talk about that."  
  
"I see... Laura, are you sure about this? I understand that you're scared, but Dr. Soter says that this is your best chance at survival."  
  
"I know, he told me that too, but I just can't go through with it. He can't guarantee that I'll survive even if I have the surgery. If I'm going to die anyway, I'd rather do it fully intact... I don't know, maybe I am just in denial, but I've made my decision. I intend to stick with it."  
  
"Alright," Naomi said softly. "So, what are you and Mr. Congeniality going to do?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," Laura said heavily, rubbing her aching forehead and sitting down on the bed. Despite her little nap earlier, she was still exhausted. "That's all messed up and it's mostly my fault."  
  
"What happened?" the priest asked, sitting down beside the other woman.  
  
"We slept together and probably too soon. It was all my instigation... I don't know what's the matter with me. I can't seem to control my emotions these days. It's like, all of a sudden, whatever I'm feeling, I have to act on it. I felt drawn to Lee, so I slept with him. I don't regret it, but I never would have slept with someone so quickly before. Why did I do so now?"  
  
"Laura, you're going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff. It's to be expected that your emotions are going to be a bit erratic right now. Give yourself a break. Maybe some good, old-fashioned sexual healing was exactly what you needed."  
  
"Yeah, except afterward I panicked and I left him, still sleeping. And the next day, I told him that it couldn't happen again. I hurt him, badly... Lords, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Lee."  
  
There it was again. No, Naomi hadn't missed the name the first time Laura had said it. The priest had let it slide, thinking that perhaps it had slipped out accidentally. But Laura had said it again. Naomi didn't think the woman was careless enough to make the same mistake twice, in such a short period of time. She obviously wanted Naomi to know who her mysterious "friend" was.  
  
"Lee?" Naomi said, smiling slightly. "As in, Mr. Congeniality is... Lee Adama?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hmmm, interesting, previously you said that he was too young for you to confide in him... So, let me get this straight, he was too young to confide in, but not too young to hop into bed with? You slut!" Naomi said, laughing.  
  
"And why is it that I put up with you?" Laura asked, laughing as well. "Oh, Lords, what am I going to do about this mess I've made?"  
  
"Oh, I don't think it's fatal. After all, you spent most of the afternoon with him. I think that's a pretty good indication that he's willing to forgive you... But you should sleep on it. You look like hell."  
  
"Oh, thank you, very much," Laura said dryly.  
  
"Anytime," Naomi said, smiling. Leaning forward, she gave the other woman a fierce hug. "You get some sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."  
  
------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Despite the large shot of Migs' mysterious tonic she had taken before lying down, Laura still awoke several hours later. Rolling over, she glanced at the clock on her bedside table. It read 2300 hours. She didn't even stop to marvel at the fact that she now automatically translated the illuminated digital display into military time. It had now become second nature to her. It was interesting the ways that living on a military vessel changed one's perspective on even the little things.  
  
She wasn't sure what had woken her up. She didn't think it had been a dream, but she awoke with a strange feeling of emptiness. Her small room suddenly seemed like a huge, black void. She fancied that she could almost hear the darkness breathing, crouched expectantly, and just waiting to swallow her up. Sitting up, she switched on the bedside lamp. As she did, her eyes fell on the little unicorn, leaning back against it. She hadn't remembered taking it with her from Lee's room. She had simply found it still in her hands when she lay down to sleep after Naomi had left.  
  
She felt bad for taking it, even inadvertently. Becca had not entrusted it to her. She had wanted Lee to have it. Laura felt a sudden need to return the toy to the captain. Or was this just an excuse to go and see him? More than likely it was just an excuse, she realized, but she would take what she could get. She did want to see him, to talk to him. But then again, it was fairly late. Perhaps he was asleep already.  
  
After a moment of silent debate, she made up her mind. Climbing out of bed, she quickly dressed in her comfy clothes and went to track down Capt. Apollo. Stepping cautiously through the main door to the pilots' quarters, she paused to make sure that no one was around. She wasn't ready to be seen knocking on Lee's door late at night just yet. The door to the barracks was closed and the short hallway outside it was deserted. She knocked lightly on Lee's door. When there was no answer for several minutes, she began to suspect that he was, in fact, asleep.  
  
She was about to return to her room, when the hatch swung open. It was obvious that she had woken him up. He looked sleep-ruffled and was wearing a pair of loose, flannel pants and one of the black undershirts. He blinked at her in confusion for a minute.  
  
"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Are you alright?"  
  
"No," she answered, suddenly feeling foolish. "I... just wanted to return this." She held the stuffed toy out to him.  
  
"It couldn't wait until morning?" he asked, smiling, as he took it from her.  
  
"No, it couldn't... Look, I don't know what I can offer you. I... don't know how long I'll be around, but I do know that I want to be with you... For however long I can be. I can't guarantee that I won't freak out and run away again, but I promise that if I do get that urge, I'll wake you up and tell you first."  
  
"I'll right," Lee said. "I want to be with you too, but I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it... if things get rough. I've never dealt with anything like this."  
  
"Fair enough," Laura said. "We deal with this as it comes. We're both free to back out at any time, if things get to be too much to handle. But we talk to each other and we're honest. Neither of us leaves the other one hanging... Agreed?" She extended her hand out to him, as though they were sealing some kind of an informal treaty.  
  
"Agreed," he said, shaking her hand. Still holding that hand, he turned and led her into his room, closing the door behind them.  
  
THE END  
  
Author's note: The RISUG male birth control that I mentioned is an actual product. I did not make it up or anything I wrote about it. It is supposedly good for ten years. The product was developed by Sujoy Guha, a professor of biomedical engineering at the Indian Institute of Technology in Delhi. It's still in the testing phase and is not yet available on the market. If anyone wants any more information about this, to use it in one of their stories, just let me know, I can give you more information. Or you can look it up yourself at 


End file.
